Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Sad and Lost

Feeling melancholy today.

Trying to figure out how I can possibly move, if I can maybe buy a place to go that will be my permanent place so I don't have to move anymore.  I've been wanting to move for a year or more since the new mismanagement company took over and things have gone downhill fast, and also when the wall paper started to come off a part of the wall revealing the reason for wallpaper and not paint......mold.  Today, I'm feeling sad and conflicted.  The saying is God will provide a way, but if there is one I am not seeing it.  I feel like I already have enough medical issues without adding constant mold exposure into it, and raising the chances of adding more to it.

I'm supposed to give 60 days notice if I plan to not renew according to the office here, though I'm sure that other people have left without giving it in the past, in fact I know it, and I know it's been recent.  Time is already gone for that to happen if I were to follow that "rule", though, tbh after all the idiotic rules recently, such as, if your pipes break they'll hold you financially responsible....uuum, yeah NO, that wouldn't happen because I know how long it's been since they updated ANYTHING in these units.  The plugs have to be duct taped into the walls FFS, because it's been so long since that's been updated, and that's a fire hazard, not to mention exorbitant electric costs due to outdated electrical wiring.

I look at some of the homes I've seen in the 20k range, and think.....wow, I'm paying about 5x what I would to mortgage that place, but I am not sure if I can even qualify for a loan, even a VA one since I've had some big hits on my credit due to my meager income since I can't pay student loans as every penny I have currently goes to survival.  I'm trying to keep a positive outlook and trying to keep looking for the answer, but it gets a little hard to see with so many negatives piled up.

On top of that, I'm going to owe my mom and stepdad for the rest of eternity because there's something wrong with my old heap yet again.  I recently had the power steering fluid filled, and the steering is acting poopy AGAIN, which means I might have to have that looked at and God only knows how much that will cost, meaning I'll likely have to borrow from them AGAIN to pay for repairs.  Sometimes I wish I could just climb under a rock and just stay there so I don't have to deal with this stuff anymore.

I pray every day, just about all day.  At this point in my life I'd love to be able to say, mom, you never have to worry because I can and will take care of you if anything ever happens.  I pray every day that I'll be able to do that if and when that time ever comes and I pray it never does.  I know for certain that if a way opens and I'm able to move I'm going to go with all due speed and "rules" be damned, they can't POSSIBLY ruin my credit anymore than circumstances already have.  But I will go, and will make sure that where ever I do go it's permanent and has room for mom if she ever needs it too.

Usually I blog to get my thoughts straight and try to unload so I feel better....well, I don't feel better, but I do feel resigned on a course.