It's taken me a bit to figure out what to say. They are very personal, and can often be very upsetting. When I wake, the dream can also follow me throughout the day, though I don't want them to. I don't think I can get into super detail, because just discussing them is bringing me to the point of tears. I will do my best to help others understand why it's so hard to simply "move past the past" or "just get over it" or don't dwell on things". Theser are all things commonly said to others just like me. They are said to those with severe depression, PTSD, anxiety, and a slew of other disorders.
I did not always have the issues I have with nightmares, disturbing dreams etc. I did not always have to sleep with the TV on to quiet my brain until I finally fell asleep, and then could wake long enough to turn it off. I did not always have to chase my sleep cycle around and around the clock, desperately trying to maintain a "normal" sleep cycle like every one else. I did not always have days/weeks where I couldn't sleep no matter what I tried, only to finally fall into a sleep that could last 24 hours, because of sheer exhaustion.
All of this is rather new to me, within the past 6 or so years I think, I'm no longer really good with time frames, so I guesstimate a lot. Because of how my "first time" happened, I have dreams reference that a lot. Sometimes every day. In many of my dreams I'm back in school, but I already have my diploma, college degree etc. I'm seeking someone, or trying to decide with whom I have my "first time". I was a little shy when I was younger, so there are a few obstacles to overcome. One of which is getting up the courage to talk to a boy I liked etc. This type of dream is more on the side of frustration, because of the many things one goes through to find someone they love enough to take that adventure with. It's also frustrating because when I wake, I know exactly why I was dreaming such things. I don't dwell in the past, apparently the past dwells deep inside me.
This is one of the more mild dreams I have, there are others where events are somewhat more disturbing, and graphic. Violence relived again, and again, whether I want to or not. Also, dreams where I'm trying to convince an ex to find respect for me inside themselves, despite the things I'd undergone. All in all, my dreams seem to be full of turbulence and frustration. The times I dream something other than one of the few repeat dreams I do have is a sweet relief. I can wake with more peace, or sleep through an entire night/day depending on how bad my sleep cycle is at that particular time. I don't know if MORE details would help anyone, or if just talking about how these dreams manifest and make me feel are help enough to someone out there. I do always help that somehow, someway, someone that needs this help finds it, and knows they are not alone, or someone who misunderstands someone reads it and it enlightens them, in a way where their relationship, whatever it may be with others is one of more understanding, love and acceptance. Someday, I might be able to go more deeply in detail, but today is not that day. My face is already soaked, trying to convey some form of communication and understanding to others. If I've managed to convey that and it's able to be followed, hooray. If it's jumbled and hard to understand I apologize.
Now it's time for more fun conversation. I have a new book to discuss!! One of many ways I cope, calm my mind, search for creative problem solving etc, is through this pastime. I am pleased to share another work from Ms Johanna Basford. This one is Ivy and the Inky Butterfly.
In this book we stray from her usual composition in presentation. Rather than the one sided pages with light grey scale on the back side, we have two sided pages, in which I use graph paper to preserve the integrity of the art. This time, she also decided to follow a sense of whimsy and tell a tale while bring her art to others as well. As usual for her, there is art leading into the book, as well as nice thick pages that would take any medium, and a place in the back to test colors if you have a need to find colors that go well together.
I had fun with my crayola set, and also my prismacolor set in different areas of this book. It's fun to color when pages are smooth and the color lays down evenly, but there is also some fun in textured pages to use different techniques. These pages are lovely and smooth. As usual, I colored the lead in art, including the cover page, and I'll share them all with you. I think this book would be a fun project for Parent/child, Grandparent/Aunt/Uncle/child to do together, and read the story as you progress through the book. Or you could do this alone, and then share it with the children in your life and look at all the ways you colored it together as you read the story.
I also decided I would share a few pictures of my favorite tree in my apartment complex.....well one of them. It's just so pretty when it blossoms each spring. Either way, PICTURE TIME!!! ENJOY!
Hopefully this entry helps others, and we all find some beauty in each day!
