Monday, March 28, 2016


Ok, so I've been pursuing SSD based on severe PTSD and a truckload of other medical issues causing serious issues.

Today, I had a call from the legal representatives that have been helping and following up on things with me for over 3 yrs now.  The lawyer that called was very sweet and though they can't represent me any further, left his number in case I might need further advice from him, so that to me says they do seriously care about what is going on with me, they just ran out of expertise to help me pursue things further.

I guess that's ok, and at least they care, but now, I have to try and find someone locally that has the expertise of SSD cases that have to be appealed at the Federal District Court level.  I don't have a clue who or where or how I can find someone.  All I know is that I need help.  With me, anxiety means that being derailed and having to find another train to keep going means severe symptoms right now.

Someone, somewhere has to have that knowledge and be brave enough to say, you know what, you people are insane to keep putting people through this crap.  I have no doubt in my mind that part of our homeless population is in part due to the never ending appeals process for people that truly need help through this avenue, and finally run out of steam, money, will or whatever they run out of and say screw it, I can't do this anymore.

On the one hand, I know there are people out there who have worked and paid into this system for far longer than I have, and have never had the need to follow this path.  I wish I were one of them.  I wish I could keep working and moving along a "normal" path.  But I also know if I were to try, I put my life and my health on the line and I will be trying something that would be a death sentence because no one can live with that kind of anxiety and blood pressure for long periods of time while trying to work when they shouldn't be just to make ends meet.

Then there are the "social" issues like people that have never worked a day in their lives, or are here illegally that put such a strain on this system that people that NEED it are pushed into a dark, dank corner and are all but forgotten to make way for people that don't need it, and don't deserve to take from something that so many have worked for and been taxed for so that it will be there when they need it or when they retire formally at an "acceptable" retirement age.  Our system is SOOOO wrong it's unbelievable.  We all go happily about our lives until we're ready to retire, or we're in need of help from what we've paid into because we're unable to work any longer, and we don't fully grasp what's happened until we are in that position.  We take it for granted that we're doing what we are supposed to do, and we're paying our taxes and following the laws, and so everyone else is supposed to be doing it too right?  Well, when you fall into this place, in this position you realize that all the "red tape" and all the "processes" associated with all of this crap are more and more and more difficult because of so many being a drain on it, that they put rules and regulations on it for those that are LEGALLY and RIGHTFULLY entitled to the money they put into this system that it's damned near impossible to get it back to use when you need it.

Frankly, it's maddening.  I have medical records galore and have to go through this crap, making my situation and health worse because I have to FIGHT FOR SOMETHING that I shouldn't have to fight for because I have all the proof and more that I paid into it AND am now in need of using what I paid into.

I'm sure I'm rambling, my brain doesn't feel as sharp right now.  I feel like my head is stuffed full of cotton and things just bounce round and round and round in there with no direction at the moment.  I know I can start with square one all over again, but it's been 3 or 4 yrs so far, I've kind of lost track, since one day is as much of a struggle as the next and so they kind of all get lost.  God help me I don't want to start over if I can help it.  If I can't find someone to help me appeal at that level, God help me I might have to go into court swinging blind and try to fight it all alone AND also file again from square one.  They did tell me I could do both at once.

Not sure how much longer I can fight and stay sane, but I'm trying my best.

Monday, March 14, 2016


That's what I had today when I woke up, and every day since I filed my appeal.

I had it up until the moment the mailman came to my door.  I knew that this was the probable next step in this whole disability process.  I knew that you hear no an awful lot before there is a yes.  But I look at my struggle, and thank God that I have my VA benefit even if it isn't a lot.  I look at this situation and think of others that may have needed to take the same road and didn't have this benefit.

Today is not a day for hope.  It is a day for mourning, sadness, despair, and yes, possibly even a little anger.  Just one of my health issues would warrant full disability benefits all on it's own and unfortunately I have many.  So yes, today is a day absent of hope, because I'm tired after years of hoping that this will be settled and over with finally, I must continue to fight for something I paid into since I was 15.

I wish I could work.  Today is a prime example of why I can't.  My chest has been hurting since that letter came.  My whole body feels feverish, and I feel light headed.  Though I don't have a BP cuff at my disposal, I can tell you my blood pressure is off the charts just from the anxiety tied to my PTSD.  My back is aching beyond belief because I've been tense, trying to hold back tears, or if I fail, cry quietly so I won't upset the animals.  My eyes feel like they've been punched over and over again because they're so tired from being upset.  I wanted to go to the store today to get a potato to go with my pork chop and spinach, I couldn't because I'm already in high anxiety mode and I would prefer to not end up on the floor.  My hips hurt horribly because I'm constantly trying to favor my sore back.  In other words, I'm a mess.

Anyone who isn't part of the medical field may not know what a constant high blood pressure can mean, and this is what my anxiety creates.  When I went to the physical therapist to evaluate everything, my blood pressure was off the charts until they said this is the last task and then you can leave.....instant decrease to a normal blood pressure occurred.  That was a horrible experience since every time they asked me a question, they talked over me saying oh that can't be the case and God only knows what they wrote down because I'm sure it wasn't anything I was trying to tell them about what I go through.  I'm pretty sure that anyone in that situation would have BP issues, so I'm not alone in that, but mine was stroke/heart issue dangerous.

This is what happens whenever I go into crowded areas now, and is one of the many reasons I can't work, because I would be putting myself in danger of stroking out, or having my heart simply explode.  I understand that others probably look at me and think idk what's wrong with her, she looks young enough.  They can't see my spine, or feel what it feels like to have PTSD that's gone beyond what you can control any longer.  That it disrupts my sleep, and that bothers me for many reasons, one of which, it makes it difficult to schedule things because it seems like your whole night time life is spent trying to get some long needed rest, and trying to rest is exhausting.

NO.  Today is NOT a day for hope.  Today is a day to let myself get through all the feelings attached to a negative response to the appeals process.

Tomorrow, I call my lawyers, and we take the next step in this process.  Tomorrow, I will hope again.