Friday, April 22, 2016

Crossroads At Passover

So, tomorrow is passover, and I find myself with so many crossroads.

I pray just about all day every day, God is forever at the front of my thoughts.  Perhaps this is a good sign that so many new paths are here all at once.  I have a new legal team to help me battle on.  I've had a few appointments with them and they've taken measures to set up our battle front already.  I had called on the 11th to request a new physician since the one I've been working with for several years has not remedied the addition of diagnosis of diabetes to my record, which she never bothered to do a base testing for prior to adding it.  I got a call this week to schedule an appointment with the new physician which will be in June, but now that ball is set in motion.  Then today, the apartment manager brought by a letter reminding me that my lease will be up soon.  So many new things in only one week, and now I must think long, hard and deeply what action to take reference my living situation as well.

For years I lived here with the same rent, until last year when a new "management" firm took over this apartment complex, and I saw the first increase.  Now in this letter there will be another increase, which would put rent here, higher than rent in another complex with 2 bedrooms and washer/dryer hookups in the units, they pay electric and heat, and I would pay water and trash.  Here is my conundrum, I have Fuzzbutt, who was a stray, and is currently an in/outdoor kitty with no front claws.  That is a major concern since I have no desire to have her internal kitty compass go wonky and her get lost if she gets out.  I would have to try and keep her indoors for a while to allow her to get accustomed to the new environment and surroundings.  Then there is the concern that I'm not physically capable of a move, so I would need to finance movers along with other things, and lastly, if this is temporary once my case is finished, I would like to try and find a permanent place, maybe a mobile home even, near where my grandparents used to live.  If I were to find something like that, then I'd have to prepare to move AGAIN, and move the fuzzy one, I don't relish uprooting her at all, let alone a couple of uprootings.

I have begun to hate this apartment complex, since this mismanagement company took over, it's gone downhill with light speed, and it's all but turned into a slum, with slumlords.  They keep making more and more "rules" that are supposedly to create a better environment, but all it does is make people that have been here for years more and more bitter.  I've seen more than one person just decide to leave recently, after having had them as neighbors for years.  Honestly, I'm at a loss for what to do.  I know physically, a place with a washer and dryer in my home would be healthier for me AND be something I could do a bit easier physically since now I take my laundry down to the laundry room in a cart which still hurts me quite a bit.  This month our laundry facility was out of order for nearly a month after another resident apparently tried to rip the card loading machine off the wall, which I called in a police report about when I saw it soon after it happened.  They "fix" woodwork and other things around the units and don't even bother to try and paint them the same color as the unit, and it just looks like trash, not to mention that naked wood will rot much sooner than treated and painted would.

All in all, I feel it's time to move on, but there are things that make me feel like I should hang on a bit longer.  Perhaps I should just start with talking to the people that own the other property, and find out how much everything would cost since I'm sure movers would be several hundred dollars all by itself.  I'm sitting here thinking about trying to move and feel like I'm about to have an anxiety attack over it for more than one reason.  Honestly, the place with two rooms would be cheaper in more than one way, and I probably SHOULD do everything in my power to see that this move happens, but I'm afraid of the cost, the process, and that poor fuzz might get lost in the shuffle.

HELP ME GOD!  My personal mantra all day every day.  Help me to do the right thing.  Help me to be able to see it, to recognize it, and to move toward it.  Help me to be able to afford to live, to eat, to do what I must when I must.  Help me to be brave.  In a few short hours it is Passover, and I hope that all the promises in Exodus are mine this year.  That His angels come to prepare my way for me, that God Himself will take his place as my general to fight for me, that He will see that I have all I need.  I don't think it's a mere coincidence that all these crossroads have come together JUST before passover, in circumstances that will not happen again for another 500 years.  All God's children have the sacred blood of the lamb on their houses, and all of you should be mindful that THIS YEAR, THIS PASSOVER, is His time.  There are signs in the heavens that will not occur for another 500 years that show that this year is a very powerful time for Him, and I would expect miracles.  I've already seen some this week in all the crossroads appearing before me.  Now, I have to do my part and figure out what all the right roads to take are.

I just wish I were wiser than I am.

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Frantic Frustration

Today, I'm feeling frantic and shaking.

I just got a letter from the VA in the mail AFTER calling to request a new doctor because the one I've had for several years isn't a very good listener and had added diagnoses that were incorrect.  When I went to my hearing last January, I told the Judge in very plain language that this is a big concern of mine and one of the reasons I've been seeking a judgment of disability from them so that I can have different insurance and see doctors other than those at the VA.

Don't get me wrong, the VA has a LOT of good here in Ohio.  They have been one of the VA's I've had contact with over the years that have been very responsive in other aspects and for that I'm very thankful.  The issue I have is one that is a very heavy concern to me, it's this problem I have with misdiagnoses and which could result in my death or the deaths of others they may also misdiagnose.

I will try my very best to calmly explain to you since I feel like the polar opposite of calm at the moment.  I will say recently I saw a Facebook post from someone named Amber Smith reference anxiety that has apparently gone viral and tons of people are either following or talking about this.  This is something that may boost awareness of others for part of what I go through on a daily basis, and I'm appreciative of that, though I've been talking about that and other things for years and I have a following of a whopping 11 people LOL.......  I don't care, I'm not really looking for "internet fame" or recognition of anything, this blog is for ME to vent and talk through the difficulties I have with the "system".  If it brings any help or enlightenment to others, so much the better, but it's primarily for MY peace of mind.  Anyway, if you have an interest in that whole anxiety viral thing, here's a link.  Viral Anxiety FB post

So to explain why this is so upsetting to me, I should first explain, I got out of the service in 1997, I had seen a doctor prior to my release about some issues, and had been diagnosed with PTSD reference those issues.  I went about my business and tried my best to be a good citizen for years and years, and when I had need of the VA, I contacted them to find that they'd decided to put a diagnosis of "depression" on my benefit claim.  Now, I must make people understand, I don't think that depression is more or less of an issue than PTSD, it is VERY difficult and I feel for those that have depression, either clinical or other.  What is upsetting to me is that this is a clear mis-diagnosis, and could result in me being treated in a way that is contradictory with my true diagnosis, OR completely wrong and result in my becoming dependent on medications used to treat someone that actually has that diagnosis.  I have no desire to be a drug addict because I'm given medications for a medical/mental issue other than the ones I have, nor do I wish to cause an imbalance in my brain from mistreatment CAUSING me to develop depression, because of forcing brain changes from taking the wrong medication.  I think you can see fairly clearly why a mis-diagnosis would be troubling to anyone.  When I did receive my diagnosis in 1996 of PTSD, the Psychiatrist said to me, it seems as if you're depressed about this or that, and asked if I wanted anti depressants at that time, to which I replied, you know what, sometimes life SUCKS, and you get sad about it, that doesn't mean you're clinically depressed, that means you're SAD and if and when life changes, you'll be happy.  A pill isn't going to fix what went wrong, only time does that, and I refused medication and I made certain he understood that in no way was I in need of medication for depression.  I'd worry more about someone who was happy about crappy things happening than I would about someone that was sad when crap happened.  I told that guy as much and it was the LAST time I went to see him, because I'll be damned if I become a statistic because some jackass wants to over-diagnose or over treat things and turn the world into addicts.

Well, today I got a letter from the VA stating that I should call them and schedule an appointment for diabetic retin imaging dated the 15th, AFTER I called and explained my concerns and reasons for requesting a change of doctor to the nurse at primary care, and telling her that when I first started seeing my DR. I clearly told them over 20 yrs ago when diagnosed with PCOD I was in the 99% stage of my disease, meaning that 99% of all those diagnosed with my severity, had developed diabetes, and that I remained in the 1% that did NOT develop it, and that yes I do take a medication NORMALLY given to those diagnosed with diabetes, but that PCOD is also a system wide endocrine disorder and also calls for similar treatment in order to control/aid digestion etc etc, but when tested for diabetes at the baseline level I routinely tested NEGATIVE.  I had been fighting with her and her nurse ever since to make sure that it was not stated in my record as being a diabetic as that would be a mis-diagnosis and has no place in there since I've never been tested positive for that disease.  I found out at my January hearing last year that it was in there somewhere, when the judge stated COUNTER to my advising him that I've been fighting with my DR to make sure I didn't have a wrong diagnosis in my record, "I see here, your diabetes is controlled by medication."  Really.......just wtf REALLY!!!?

Ok, if I had diabetes, I would gladly consent to having it stated in my record that I DO have it, but having it stated that I have something I've tested negative for for the past 20 years, watched my diet etc so that I would REMAIN in the 1% that didn't have it with PCOD, which by the way is a HUGE feat on my part, is a MASSIVE frustration for me.  I got an instant migraine and my hands have been shaking uncontrollably ever since I got that letter because when I talked to the primary care nurse on the 11th, asking for a change of a doctor, and please can I have someone with good listening skills, she stated to me that she saw nothing in my record to indicate that there was a wrongful diagnosis stating diabetes in there......really? then WHY THE FUCK am I getting a letter telling me to make an appointment for DIABETIC RETIN IMAGING!!!?

They are going to KILL ME!!!  They are going to continue NOT LISTENING TO ME AND KILL ME BY TREATING ME FOR THINGS I DON'T HAVE!!!  And they wonder why every time I leave my home my BP jumps to stroke level.  I'm only safe HERE where people aren't going to try to force wrong diagnoses or medications down my throat!!!

I've had a few triumphs with the VA, after fighting with them they changed my benefits diagnosis from depression to unspecified anxiety, which is a small victory, and one which my psychologist and I laughed over since she agrees that it's PTSD, and should clearly be that everywhere, not just her office, and so I continue to fight to get the right diagnosis on my benefits area, and eventually it will be there correctly, but it's FRUSTRATING.  Why......why are you SO afraid to put the RIGHT diagnosis there?  It wasn't YOU that violated me causing that to be so, though you ARE very much violating me right now, by continuing to place wrong diagnoses on formal records.

Some days you just want to shake some sense into the world.