Hope

That's what I had today when I woke up, and every day since I filed my appeal.

I had it up until the moment the mailman came to my door.  I knew that this was the probable next step in this whole disability process.  I knew that you hear no an awful lot before there is a yes.  But I look at my struggle, and thank God that I have my VA benefit even if it isn't a lot.  I look at this situation and think of others that may have needed to take the same road and didn't have this benefit.

Today is not a day for hope.  It is a day for mourning, sadness, despair, and yes, possibly even a little anger.  Just one of my health issues would warrant full disability benefits all on it's own and unfortunately I have many.  So yes, today is a day absent of hope, because I'm tired after years of hoping that this will be settled and over with finally, I must continue to fight for something I paid into since I was 15.

I wish I could work.  Today is a prime example of why I can't.  My chest has been hurting since that letter came.  My whole body feels feverish, and I feel light headed.  Though I don't have a BP cuff at my disposal, I can tell you my blood pressure is off the charts just from the anxiety tied to my PTSD.  My back is aching beyond belief because I've been tense, trying to hold back tears, or if I fail, cry quietly so I won't upset the animals.  My eyes feel like they've been punched over and over again because they're so tired from being upset.  I wanted to go to the store today to get a potato to go with my pork chop and spinach, I couldn't because I'm already in high anxiety mode and I would prefer to not end up on the floor.  My hips hurt horribly because I'm constantly trying to favor my sore back.  In other words, I'm a mess.

Anyone who isn't part of the medical field may not know what a constant high blood pressure can mean, and this is what my anxiety creates.  When I went to the physical therapist to evaluate everything, my blood pressure was off the charts until they said this is the last task and then you can leave.....instant decrease to a normal blood pressure occurred.  That was a horrible experience since every time they asked me a question, they talked over me saying oh that can't be the case and God only knows what they wrote down because I'm sure it wasn't anything I was trying to tell them about what I go through.  I'm pretty sure that anyone in that situation would have BP issues, so I'm not alone in that, but mine was stroke/heart issue dangerous.

This is what happens whenever I go into crowded areas now, and is one of the many reasons I can't work, because I would be putting myself in danger of stroking out, or having my heart simply explode.  I understand that others probably look at me and think idk what's wrong with her, she looks young enough.  They can't see my spine, or feel what it feels like to have PTSD that's gone beyond what you can control any longer.  That it disrupts my sleep, and that bothers me for many reasons, one of which, it makes it difficult to schedule things because it seems like your whole night time life is spent trying to get some long needed rest, and trying to rest is exhausting.

NO.  Today is NOT a day for hope.  Today is a day to let myself get through all the feelings attached to a negative response to the appeals process.

Tomorrow, I call my lawyers, and we take the next step in this process.  Tomorrow, I will hope again.