Monday, May 23, 2016

PTSD vs Focus and Memory

Today is a prime example of how PTSD affects some rather important functions.

So, I wake up, forget to take my vitamin D pill, and my 1/2 Lexapro until just a few minutes ago.  Then I get some paperwork in the mail for the social security office since my lawyers are filing for everything including an appeal for the last SSD denial.  I fill it out, which was easy since it was just checking information and signing, and since my mailman doesn't always come to my apartment if I don't have incoming mail, I decide to take a drive to the post office before everyone gets out of work since driving at that time of day is more anxiety for me.  Driving at all is anxiety, but the more people on the road the more it gets me nervous.

So, here I go, driving to the post office, my packet to mail in the car, so I remembered that.  Then I get to the post office, grab the packet, and notice that this particular return envelope doesn't have return postage paid......odd for the SSA, and I go CRAPPPP!!!  So, I start to return home, and figure I guess it'll just have to rely on my mailman to take it whenever he decides to come by my apartment.  I get almost all the way home when I remember.........The stamps are in my wallet and I brought it with me.......really.........really!?

I love when the psychiatrists and psychologists ask me about memory and focus and are not there to witness this kind of event.  It costs me time and money in gas to make these kinds of mistakes, and it causes me to be highly frustrated and angry, which for me, is difficult to push down so I'm not exploding at the entire universe.  So, in my frustration sometimes I just sit and cry because it's the only thing left that I can do that won't get me arrested or put in a hug me jacket.......although I DO like hugs :P.

How can I describe how I feel right now....  My hands and legs are shaking from the anxiety and were when I was driving also.  I feel like a complete and utter moron for forgetting such small details such as looking at the envelope and then remembering that I put my stamps in my wallet in the event I should NEED a stamp.  I think I might have a dollar in my wallet also, so even if I hadn't had the stamps I could have gone into the post office and bought a stamp.......and they wonder if I could handle someone's important things that may be time sensitive in an office.

I think I'll just blame it on having not colored yesterday, since doing that seems to increase my focus a bit.....but I could be wrong, I'm not overly certain.  At any rate, at least I can blame it on something other than being a mindless moron, without the mental capacity to remember even the smallest things.  I'm just glad I don't have to go out in public today because if I did I think I'd be cussing all over the place from the amount of frustration I'm feeling right now and I don't like doing that because people tend to stare and I'm NOT a bitch, I just am having a high anxiety and frustration day because I'm a blithering idiot and anger or crying are the two foremost emotions that my mind reaches for under these circumstances and since I can't see while I'm crying I'm just going to cuss so I don't throttle every person that looks at me sideways.

Anyway I guess while I'm at posting I can post some more pictures I did some days ago to try and lighten the mood, and I think I better color today so I won't forget to breathe tomorrow.  AND OMG I JUST CLOSED THIS POST WITHOUT SAVING WHEN I DIDN'T MEAN TO CLOSE IT AT ALL BUT IMPORT PICTURES......DO YOU SEE WHAT I'M LIVING WITH, MY BRAIN THAT WAS ONCE PRETTY DARNED GOOD HAS TURNED TO PUDDING!!!

There ye be, and I'm quitting while I'm ahead....have fun folks!