A New Life

Well, I call it that at any rate.

At the moment, I've been living a substandard life.  SSA sent me to 2 evaluations.  One with an orthopedic doctor, and the other with a psychologist.  The orthopedic doctor had orders for a spinal xray, which was only for the lower portion of my spine, though I told him it really should be a full spinal xray in order for them to properly evaluate what I've been telling them.

For those of you that have been to San Fransisco, I could compare my spine to that old famous street....Lombardi street.  Well, even those of you that haven't might recognize it as it's been on a few movies.  It's curvy from the top to the bottom.  Of course, the original curve was what the doctor had the benefit of viewing.  He had me walk and bend this way and that, asked me questions about this and that.  Then as I was sitting on the examination table I must have made a face.  He happened to look up and asked does sitting make your back hurt too?  I said yes, everything does, sitting standing, walking.  He asked if I needed to stand up, I said I think I'll be ok I'll just stretch it out.

The problem isn't in what I can or can't do, it's the length in which I can do them.  I explained to him, I'm trying to stay active by doing things around the house, going shopping with my mother etc.  But for instance, one day when I did go shopping with her, we were out for a few hours.  I sat down when I saw a seat if I needed to give my back a break from walking, or if my mother wanted to try on clothes or what have you.  The bigger problem was the next few days.  I had a very hard time walking.  My hips were so stiff and this was new.  I didn't realize what had happened until the 2nd night afterwards, my right hip popped, probably back into place, and then the following morning the left one did.

The other problems are the insomnia.  I'm not even sure it's TRUE insomnia, except on some occasions.  I simply can't sleep due to pain, anxiety attacks, arthritis in my hands, feet, hips etc.  I'm exhausted all the time.  I can't sleep, and when and if I do fall asleep, it's usually at a really bad time of day, and then I try to let myself sleep undisturbed until my body says ok wake up now.  Because it's so infrequent.  I have no schedule.  I try to sleep at normal times, but that just simply fails.  A set schedule seems an impossibility right now.  I sleep when my body finally allows me to, and I wake when it says ok enough sleeping....or now you're not so tired you can't feel the pain.

To be perfectly honest, there are days where I feel perfectly fine, and I think ok maybe I'm getting better and I can go work now, then I do something and either have an anxiety attack, or end up in hot burning pain, and I think oh yeah, I forgot about that.

The psychologist, like the MD also asked a lot of questions, including whether or not I was suicidal, to which I responded, no, I don't believe in that, but there are days I am in so much pain, or am so miserable from all the reasons I can't sleep and out of frustration, and utter exhaustion I pray to God to let me just go.  He said from all the responses I gave on this and that, that I sounded agoraphobic.  I said, oh no, I don't think that's it, I don't go out my front door, freak out, scream and dive back in slamming and locking the door.  I think it's more that I get nervous about all the anxiety attacks that I've had, so I don't want to go places alone, or drive far, because it's a danger.  Not to mention, a full blown attack if I can't breathe, or respond to let people know it's ok it will pass, they're likely to call an ambulance.  I wouldn't need one, I just need to let the attack pass, and then I'm fine.........exhausted but fine.

I've had full blown attacks after a long day of working before all of this started to get out of hand in my car on the highway on the way home.....talk about terrifying.  Fortunately, I was working until 2 am, so there weren't so many cars on the road.  I'm not sure if any of you have ever had one, but they are horrifying.  You can't breathe, your chest, shoulders etc just feel so tight, it feels like you're just going to die.

The anxiety attacks have gotten out of hand since that photo I had posted a few years ago had shown up on FB.  So I know where and when and what has made them get worse, but why all the other things?  Why more and more headaches, all different varieties.  Why the back, arthritis etc.  All of the things that I held in check for 20 years, it's like my body just said ok I give up, I'm just going to be a problem now.  But why so severe, and why all at once?

Honestly, I'm a bit scared.  If I'm this bad now, what will I be like in 20 or 30 years?