Sunday, March 17, 2013


I realize it's been a while since my last post.  I haven't been in the best state in any regard.

Once Alex's photo showed up with another woman on the internet after having told me and my family he had to work and couldn't make it to Christmas, my overall health has been in a steady decline.  This resulted also in my having lost my last job, though they couldn't state that due to the FMLA paperwork that had been filed regarding certain health issues.

I've since had to face filing disability which has had me in a state of despair since I've worked formally since I was 15 and babysat since I was 10.  It's frightening to think of altering my life and lifestyle in such a way, but considering my health decline has included constant anxiety attacks even while driving on the highway, I think that's the safest solution for me and for others that may have to share the road with me.

Alex and I have been to court and I've signed a divorce decree.  We had a tax appointment recently prior to final signing, to which he brought his girlfriend.....I know it was a very low class, Jerry Springer, trailer trash sort of move.  The only thing I can think of that someone would do such a thing was to attempt to goad me into a fight in which I could be arrested for disturbance or worse.  Perhaps he thought if he could goad me into such a thing, he wouldn't have to pay alimony........

I'm a bit smarter than that.  Needless to say, it seems that with his recent activity, it's sucked the life and spirit out of me resulting in changes in my physiology, mentality etc.  I know I'm in a full blown state of shock, dismay, sadness, and probably deep in a state of mourning.  I'm not sure if or when I can ever pull out of it, but I know one thing is certain, I have no intentions of ever opening up to anyone in that way again.

My mother and sister are very concerned about me, I can't say that I blame them, but I wish I could assure them that as soon as things are stabilized I'll be fine.  I just need to reach some state of stability so that I can begin a healing process with less worry over an uncertain future.  I don't know who of you out there have a belief in God, but He really does answer prayers.

The other day when I went to my lawyer to sign the decree, I was weeping on my way home, and I cried out to God for help.  Alex hadn't paid the alimony as he was decreed to do by the court, I had $14 dollars in the bank and had no food in the house.  I told God, I can't do this alone, I need help to gain some stability, and I was at a loss as to how to accomplish that.  That day when I got home, I had several calls.  The first one from Citizen's Disability, another from my Doctor's office, and I'd made a call to a local psychologist's office to set up an appointment with them to discuss my issues with anxiety attacks.

I'd say that was a pretty clear answer.  The Doctor I've seen recently volunteers to help those with little or no money, and uninsured or underinsured.  It's a christian office, and that's their way of ministering to others.  Granted they don't require that you be christian in order to be seen, but they do ask you if they can pray with you on each visit that you make when you go there.  It's a beautiful thing they're doing, and I have to say, how wonderful it is to have people like that in any community, and I hope every community has people like that in them.

It actually put my mind at ease to have an answer, because for me, filing for disability in any way was not an easy thing to face, and it seems that God thinks I should take time to try and heal also.  I just hope that I'm able to heal.  I don't know right now, when or if I'll ever be whole again.  I just feel so broken and bruised.

But I have people in my life that I love and who love me.  I just wish I could assure them I'd be ok, because I love them so much, and it hurts to see them worry about me.  For now, I can just hold onto the ones I love as tightly as I can without squeezing the life out of them.

My lawyer is kind of funny, he'll call names where I won't.  I think he feels indignant on my behalf.  I sometimes think he feels a bit protective of me because he's seen me try and help Alex through this as well as trying to do the best I can for me....and failing miserably.  But he's told me to keep him updated on the alimony, because if it doesn't happen, he will be bringing up contempt charges on Alex, which would not be a good thing.

I've been kind of chicken to call the psych office, and put that off for months and months, because I just know they're going to want me to talk about things that are either going to make me cry, put me into a full blown anxiety attack or both.  But I did finally call them the other day as well, and I guess we're just going to have to see where that goes.......  Either way, I've felt like Alex's actions have killed my spirit, and I think that's a large part of why my health kind of took a swan dive into the pooper.  Let's see if I can manage to breathe back some life into my spirit.  Maybe if I'm successful, with help of course, I'll start feeling a bit better.

You'll notice too, that I've removed all previous posts.  I'm not sure how well, I will keep up with this, because it's been an emotional roller coaster removing old posts, and even making this new one, but I'll let you know.