OMG YAY!!!

I love my sister!

She's just a special person and has a huge heart.  So my mom had a birthday and she got us ALL gifts!!!  How exciting is that!?  I'm so excited about my gift, it's a set of water color pencils and some super cute coloring books that are meant to do with your bestie.  Each picture has a duplicate so that you and your bestie can do them together!  I had seen the books online but hadn't taken a closer look so I didn't know it was like that but how cute is that?

I took a picture so you can see just how cute they are!  I think this will be a short post just because I've only had a few hours of sleep every day since coming off that medicine, so though it's out of my system it's still affecting me.  I sure hope it stops soon.

I get to see my new doctor tomorrow, and hopefully she's a better listener than the last.  I guess I'll just have to let you know how that goes.  If all goes well she'll walk up my dosage of metformin and just like previously I'll shed about 45 pounds in a month, which sounds dangerously high, but it would be completely due to proper dosing for my PCOD, and I'm also hoping she will rectify the notations suggesting diabetes since I never was tested positively for it, and so it shouldn't be there.

We'll find out in the morning, in the meantime PICTURE!!!

Anxiety Med Scare

I gave the medicine 2 weeks to get into my system and to begin to work before deciding.

They give antidepressants to major anxiety sufferers.  I've always been a bit skeptical of these medications for use in anyone other than those suffering from chemical imbalances in the brain causing manic depression, and for good reason.  I told the PA I saw that one of my fears was trading off  anxiety for a chemical dependence.  I don't think that's a very good trade-off.  I put off this entry for just about a week, to allow the medication to fully be gone from my system and because what happened to me was scary.

If you read the first entry about the Lexapro, you'd remember that I just randomly fell over.  Well, while I was trying to be patient and let the levels even out, hoping that there was a solution to my anxiety, other things were happening as well.  Now, with anxiety you can get feelings of doom and gloom, crying, anger, frustration etc etc.  But for me, these feelings were being heightened to that above where I was before, I was feeling heightened anxiety rather than less.  I was feeling worried to the point of complete distraction about things that made no sense.  I was losing my balance more and more.  Something I didn't tell the doctor when I looked up side effects that told me to seek immediate help was that on top of all these, I had passed by a primarily decorative knife with about a 13 inch blade and envisioned sticking it in......  I didn't tell him about that because I didn't want to be hospitalized for suicidal ideation, which is not something I would normally feel or think.  I mean when life goes bad, I think it might be generally normal to think, God why do you make me go on.  IF there is a point to my life, I can't see it, and wouldn't it be better if you'd just let me die and end the suffering.  This is NOT the same as saying I want to die and I'm going to do whatever in order to see that it happens.

I'm fairly certain that the major part of humanity has felt that time at some point in their lives.  Whether it's life and finances going all wrong, illnesses either chronic or acute etc.  So that doesn't concern me overmuch, because I think it's simply a way of looking for, and seeking our purpose.  Sometimes we can't see it, and sometimes it's simply so profound that when it shows itself to us, we're overwhelmed.  Sometimes we never get to see it, and it doesn't show to us, but passes on beyond us to those who follow, and our purpose is made clear to us after we're gone from this world.  So to me, I think this kind of conversation with God, is healthy.  He may either choose to reveal our purpose or He may keep it from us since it might change our course in a way He does not desire if it were revealed to us.

At any rate, it's been about a week, since all these adverse side effects reached a pinnacle which sent me to seek help at the ER.  I got there and the Doctor said, well you sure look jittery.  I said well, it's quite likely because I FEEL jittery.  I explained to him that I had PTSD which was largely helped by my CPT therapy, but that the anxiety kind of took on a life of it's own and detached from it, and I had been put on medication to try and control this, and I believed I was having some kind of abnormal and dangerous reaction to the medication according to the symptoms I'd looked up, and that the website I'd looked at said I should seek immediate medical attention and so there I was.  He said you drove yourself!?  I said, yes, I had and that I possibly shouldn't have given as shaken up as I was.  Fortunately, for me and all the other people in the world it was 3 am, and the roads were fairly empty.

Now, at first the Doctor said he didn't think it was an interaction, meaning not serotonin syndrome/toxicity, which I didn't have a fever, or muscle spasms/cramping so I knew it was not that.  I had vision changes, where my eyes would suddenly seem like they dimmed the light, and halos around light, loss of coordination, racing heart beat etc.  At any rate, he said he was going to give me something for the anxiety, because he thought it was simply an anxiety attack, which if it was an anxiety attack it was in a form I'd never had before.  I had gone to the grocery store earlier and was feeling so anxious and so much frustration and pent up anger I just wanted to punch holes in every face.....which is probably not a good thing.  He drew blood, took urine, because they do that even if you're there for a hang nail......oh really, a hang nail, let's get you to pee in a cup.  I would have to look at the paperwork to tell you what he gave me, because I can't remember, I wasn't fully focusing and it was very difficult for me to think and to tell him what was going on, to put into words.  Whatever it was, he said he couldn't let me drive myself home, so at 3 am I had to call my mom and dad to see if they would come get me.

I hated doing that, because I think my mom worries enough about us kids as it is without adding to it and disrupting her sleep.  At any rate, I told them I was there and that I'd call when the doctor said I could go so they could get more rest, which I hope they did.  So the doctor came back, and gave me the loopy juice.  They must have seen something going on in my blood, because when I got the paperwork back it said anxiety attack AND negative medication reaction or however they put it.  I'm not sure what they tested for, so I'm not sure what they saw that changed their minds.  The paperwork said to continue my medication at 10mg instead of the 5 mg I was on, but instead I stopped it altogether, and then called the VA to let them know I had.  I simply didn't want to chance having WORSE side effects or increasing them above what I'd already had to go to the ER for.

At any rate, it's completely out of my system now.  I don't know what happened, and I was hopeful that this would help because it's supposed to be the mildest medication with the least chance of side effects of everything currently out there.  This means to me, that I can not and will not chance medication again for this, regardless of what a Psychiatrist or anyone else thinks I should do, because even though I may sometimes wonder why I continue on, I'm not going to chance being the reason I don't.  When I first started taking the med, I knew it might not go as well as hoped because of the initial falling over incident, but also because I was waking up each morning and through the night with headaches that were developing as I slept.

I would advise anyone who takes potentially mood/emotion altering medication to keep a very close eye on things as you start, but also through the process of allowing your body to fully adjust.  I also advise you, to have friends or loved ones watch over you too, because your moods are being altered, you may not always be the best judge of what and how this is affecting you....BECAUSE YOUR MOODS AND JUDGEMENT ARE ALTERED!  I would recommend that you let your friends and family know you're starting this kind of medication, even if you're embarrassed that you might need it to help you, GET OVER THE EMBARRASSMENT, TELL THEM!  If they don't know you're taking this they may not be watchful, or may be confused as to why you're acting a certain way, and may chalk it up to a bad day when you need medical attention and you need it now.  Don't take your life into your own hands, if they can help watch over you LET THEM!  They love you, so it's not an imposition.  I lived through my negative medication reaction and so can you if you take precautions.

Either way, I'm off of it now, my moods have returned to normal, but so has the anxiety level....I guess I'll simply have to live with it.

My Mom's Birthday

We all had a good day.

My niece played party planner and hung up the decorations, which were just the right height for her to enjoy.  Then she and I sneaked away to pick out some pictures that my mom had colored.  I loved them all so it was difficult to choose just a few.  I gave my mom the gift I'd gotten which wasn't quite her thing, which is ok, I thought there might be that chance, but I was hoping it might guide her to more creativity through writing.  I can't wait to see what she picks out in it's place, because honestly, I just want her to have something that she will enjoy more than anything else.  I'll share the idea for you guys here since it's really cute, and I do love this idea.  I wish I had one from my grandmothers.  Just make sure that your mom or grandma would like to write things down, if not, maybe something in a different avenue of creativity for her too.

I do love that it helps give you ideas about what to write here and there, and if you don't like that question you can get your children or grandchildren involved by asking them what story they'd like to hear, or just make up another question.  Again, this won't be for everyone out there, but for the ones that have that perfect fit this will be an awesome present for your loved ones today and then loved ones down the line to read what Grandma or mom was into when they were younger.

My niece helped me pick out some pictures my mother had done to put on the blog too, and I think this is definitely a great creative outlet for her because they are wonderful.

mom does an absolutely beautiful job and there were more, but I thought I should just share a few.  My niece picked out the one with the vibrant color scheme, I loved the one in all shades of green, and who doesn't love natures beautiful butterflies.  So many mom did are just gorgeous, the crosses, the ones that are similar to mandalas and many more.  I'm glad she's enjoying her new found creativity.

At any rate, I hope you find something your family will love to carry on for generations!

PTSD vs Focus and Memory

Today is a prime example of how PTSD affects some rather important functions.

So, I wake up, forget to take my vitamin D pill, and my 1/2 Lexapro until just a few minutes ago.  Then I get some paperwork in the mail for the social security office since my lawyers are filing for everything including an appeal for the last SSD denial.  I fill it out, which was easy since it was just checking information and signing, and since my mailman doesn't always come to my apartment if I don't have incoming mail, I decide to take a drive to the post office before everyone gets out of work since driving at that time of day is more anxiety for me.  Driving at all is anxiety, but the more people on the road the more it gets me nervous.

So, here I go, driving to the post office, my packet to mail in the car, so I remembered that.  Then I get to the post office, grab the packet, and notice that this particular return envelope doesn't have return postage paid......odd for the SSA, and I go CRAPPPP!!!  So, I start to return home, and figure I guess it'll just have to rely on my mailman to take it whenever he decides to come by my apartment.  I get almost all the way home when I remember.........The stamps are in my wallet and I brought it with me.......really.........really!?

I love when the psychiatrists and psychologists ask me about memory and focus and are not there to witness this kind of event.  It costs me time and money in gas to make these kinds of mistakes, and it causes me to be highly frustrated and angry, which for me, is difficult to push down so I'm not exploding at the entire universe.  So, in my frustration sometimes I just sit and cry because it's the only thing left that I can do that won't get me arrested or put in a hug me jacket.......although I DO like hugs :P.

How can I describe how I feel right now....  My hands and legs are shaking from the anxiety and were when I was driving also.  I feel like a complete and utter moron for forgetting such small details such as looking at the envelope and then remembering that I put my stamps in my wallet in the event I should NEED a stamp.  I think I might have a dollar in my wallet also, so even if I hadn't had the stamps I could have gone into the post office and bought a stamp.......and they wonder if I could handle someone's important things that may be time sensitive in an office.

I think I'll just blame it on having not colored yesterday, since doing that seems to increase my focus a bit.....but I could be wrong, I'm not overly certain.  At any rate, at least I can blame it on something other than being a mindless moron, without the mental capacity to remember even the smallest things.  I'm just glad I don't have to go out in public today because if I did I think I'd be cussing all over the place from the amount of frustration I'm feeling right now and I don't like doing that because people tend to stare and misunderstand.....no I'm NOT a bitch, I just am having a high anxiety and frustration day because I'm a blithering idiot and anger or crying are the two foremost emotions that my mind reaches for under these circumstances and since I can't see while I'm crying I'm just going to cuss so I don't throttle every person that looks at me sideways.

Anyway I guess while I'm at posting I can post some more pictures I did some days ago to try and lighten the mood, and I think I better color today so I won't forget to breathe tomorrow.  AND OMG I JUST CLOSED THIS POST WITHOUT SAVING WHEN I DIDN'T MEAN TO CLOSE IT AT ALL BUT IMPORT PICTURES......DO YOU SEE WHAT I'M LIVING WITH, MY BRAIN THAT WAS ONCE PRETTY DARNED GOOD HAS TURNED TO PUDDING!!!

There ye be, and I'm quitting while I'm ahead....have fun folks!

OMG A NEW STAR IS BORN!!!

I got a text yesterday from my SEESTER!

Guess what was in it?  You guessed it AAAAAAARRRRRRTTTTTTT.  She didn't say I could share it, but guess what, she didn't say I couldn't so neener.  So excited, it's a really great piece.  I think she's been using pens.  I've used them when I was younger, but not sure how well I'd do with them now LOL.  They are tricky, and depending on what kind you use you may have to be very patient and wait for them to dry unless you want to smear or get them on your hands.  The plus to pens are that they give a very bright, cheery, vivid color which can be absolutely stunning as you'll soon see.

Now, I want to say something about my sister too.  She's a very bright, talented, large hearted person, who can at times be very quiet, and maybe a little shy, though she's come out of that shell a WHOLE LOT.  She's been doing a business that is a direct sales/marketing business.  She does REALLY well at it, and has great ideas that help out her team greatly.  Anyone that knows direct sales, would understand that these people are some of the hardest working, most determined people out there.  Here's the real clincher, they have some of the BEST products on the market, but you can't get them in a store, you have to get them directly from your representative, or from their websites.  Now with that having been said, I'll share a little more with you.

My sister was not happy near the end of her time at her regular job because the people there were creating a very hostile working environment, which she honestly should have sued the bejeebers out of them for, since that falls under several no no's covered by federal law.  Now, I'm not sure if she began coloring prior to her newfound freedom and happiness, but if she had, I would wager a few things.  One, her color schemes or choice of mediums or both may have been VERY different from what you'll see today.  If she did begin prior, maybe she'll be good enough to share some with us.  At any rate, I think she would have chosen some similar positive types of things to color, but the chosen color scheme or medium would speak to her underlying unhappiness perpetrated on her by her previous working environment.  As I said, she does VERY well at this type of business and it's grown her personally in a lot of ways I'm sure she never expected.  She's very happy, free, and doing exceptionally well, and I'd love to share her website with you too should you be interested in joining her team, or taking a look at the wonderful products her company has to offer.  https://www.pinkzebrahome.com/pinksprinkleswithalicia/order.asp  I think anyone would benefit from her experience, and the products that are offered there so I do hope you will go and find out for yourself.

At any rate, I think I've probably said enough, and possibly more than I should have given that this is my sister's story and not mine to tell.  But I just had to share because what you are about to witness is a physical representation and example of the joy she's currently living.  I'm so proud of her, and I think you will be too when you see how joyous her art is.

I cried sharing this, because it truly has been an amazing journey for me as a sister, as well as it's been for her as a person.

Brother's Grimm

I've been having a bit of fun with this book, but I'm not sure if I'll do too much more in there, because, remember the books I told you have tear away pages and only one side printed, well this one is like that.

I was thinking, maybe this book would be a prime opportunity to try out other forms of products such as water colors, or chalks.  I haven't used them in a coloring book, so that might be fun.  I would just have to get some first.  We have done water color pages when my sister, mom, stepdad and I have our play days with my niece.  I have to say, my sister is A1 with those books.  I'm not sure what she's doing different, but her colors don't seem to run together LOL.  She gets an A++ for her artwork.  I think she'd do awesome with them on coloring books too.  I'm not sure how well I'd do, but anything is worth a try at least once. 

I should sneak some pictures of my mom's books, she does absolutely BEAUTIFUL work on hers.  She did one all in shades of green that was just gorgeous.  She's been using colored pencils, pens or a combination of the two.  Maybe this week when we go over to have her birthday party!!!  Then I can post them with the pictures of her birthday present.

Anyway, I was also thinking, there are some out there that probably haven't tried coloring for various reasons.  Maybe they think they're just too anal to do it, because they'd have to be so obsessive compulsive about it.....well, given my last post, and one of the pictures I'll post today, I doubt if you could be more anal than me about it, and I do just fine!  I hope people don't think they'd feel silly or anything like that, and if you do think so, borrow a niece, nephew, friend's kid or something, and do it as an activity with them to get a hang of it, and maybe overcome that.

I even think if you're terribly frustrated, having a bad day or whatever, scribbling has it's place too.  Remember, art is an outlet, a form of self expression, and beautiful in all it's forms if you're able to appreciate them.  So if you sit down one day and say, you know what, I'm just pissed off at the world and creation and everyone and everything in it and I just feel like screaming....go ahead!  I think scribbling would be an excellent way of screaming without scaring the bejeebers out of all the neighbors.  If you don't feel like scribbling in one of your more expensive adult books, get plain paper, a kid's book or whatever and go to it.  I think that could probably be an excellent and very therapeutic way of releasing extreme levels of anger, stress etc.  It's far more productive than beating up the walls, pets or whatever else you might do if you get to the point where it's just out of control rage.

Anyway, time to share!!! HOORAY FOR SHARING!

So there you have it, a few I've done so far from this book.  I look forward to seeing everyone's creativity!  Oh, and sorry I cut off the writing on the grandmother's house, I was trying to avoid shadows LOL.

ALL THE LITTLE BIRDS!!!

Ok so the birds are finally done!

Yay, as you can see, no reason to fret if you can't finish a picture all at once, so just have fun with it.  There are less complicated and smaller pictures too, that can be done quicker.  The more detail there is, the longer it seems to take to complete.  Also, do what you love.  I've been doing this for far longer than it's been popular....what can I say, I'm a trend setter!!!! WOOOO GO ME!!!  If you see a "kids" book that appeals to you, get it!  I have TONS of them, precious moments, Hello Kitty, Monster's Inc.  You name it I probably have it or have had it.  The plus to adult books is that they have heavier, more expensive paper, that stands up better to heavier mediums, and some that have only one side so that you can use water colors, chalks etc, and some with tear away pages.  I recently even saw a color it yourself STICKER ONE!  NEATO!

I'm one that has to do every page from beginning on, but there are those that just start where ever and away they go!  Don't worry too much if you're a bit on the anal side, everyone gets to the end at some point regardless if they start at the beginning or at the end.  I also have to do EVERY page, including title pages LOL....yes, I am just THAT anal about it.

So as promised here are my beautiful birds fully finished,yes I gave it a background using the pencils sort of like I would use a chalk for filler, on the side to give a barely there color.  I like it, it's a LITTLE whimsical, though I don't think I achieved total whimsy LOL.

I just also did a few other ones I'll include from a fun book I found also an adult one, but with a bit of the remembrance of things past, it's a brother's Grimm book.  The opening page reminds me of a Van Gogh page I'll also include because the opening page reminds me of Starry Night.

LOL and yes I had to add the next page too because I colored the letters, the bat, AND the publisher's logo.......told you!  You can find almost anything that might appeal to you if you just look.  Find your niche, sit down and color your way to HAPPPPYYYYYY!!!

Happy coloring!