I wanted to make a post about PTSD and what it does to you.
I don't think people that don't have it or haven't had or seen a full blown anxiety attack can fully understand. So I thought I'd try to write a bit about it to try and explain. My mother loves me and I love her dearly, and I know she worries a lot about me. I think she may have some PTSD in a mild form, but I don't think she fully grasps how crippling it is for me. A few years ago, when my husband left, and I had to leave a job because my employer was beginning to punch walls and I felt fearful of that situation, I think my PTSD took a really bad turn for the worst.
I'd had occasional anxiety attacks prior to that, but I was lucky, I had never had one in public. So for the most part, while it was far more serious than people knew, it was not nearly as serious as it is currently. When those things happened, I continued to try to work, I tried to continue on in the same manner trying to take each day as it comes. I tried not to worry over much about the future or the fact that things were not their best. I went on this way, until I was starting to have other medical complications due to other things such as my PCOD, and arthritis and it was beginning to seriously affect my life in a negative way. It was making me very ill, there were a lot of call offs, doctor visits etc. My sleep was affected badly, and I began to worry in hyperdrive. I was already anxious because of the type of job I had, and because my personal life had also suffered. I'm a worrier by nature, but this was beyond the normal typical amount of worry, where a thought about something that needed being done comes to mind, you think about how you might go about it and make a plan, this was worrying for the sake of worrying. I was worried about my health, my job, etc.
It turned out that I had a cyst that needed surgery, and that's ok, but my sleep was worse and worse. I was falling into a full blown state of what seems to be ongoing insomnia. Some stemming from anxiety which can be handled in part with some over the counter herbs that help make you tired, and from keeping noise going to calm and hush a noisy mind. The other parts that affect it are not as easily handled, such as back/arthritis pain when the weather changes or whatever the case may be. Wet/dry, cold/hot and vice versa tends to wreak havoc on me. And then there's the weird things going on with sinuses that causes one of my ears to sound like a kettle drum at times. Talk about annoying, how are you supposed to sleep with a wiggly ear drum?
Well, after the surgery, and after some hard work to try and fix my sleep patterns, I thought I was on the right track, and ready to return to work. That's when it happened. After a few days I began to be particularly aware of the effects of the stress of having people yelling at me all the time. Because the PTSD was in a heightened state, I would sometimes have crying fits at work, though trying to sound as if I was fine on my calls, and still take the time to be efficient at my work. Then as this worsened, one day on my way home, the worst experience I've ever had happened. I began to feel the tightness in my chest and between my shoulders indicating that I was about to have a full blown anxiety attack. I was on the highway, and so I tried to breathe my way through it to keep it from happening, but it happened anyway.
I'd like to say a little bit about anxiety and the differing degrees of attacks that happen to me. I have chestpain every single day from it. Some days I am insanely dizzy because I'm sure I'm not breathing right or something going on. That's mild, but still cripples you by making it so you feel you can't or don't want to chance going anywhere due to what might happen if you do. I'd had them like this prior to the driving incident but never paid it as much attention until after that incident. After it, the level of fear associated with the anxiety went off the charts. You'll understand momentarily when I describe a full blown attack I'm sure. But there are days where I might have the tightness in my chest and back but not have it go into a full blown attack. There are few people that have ever witnessed such an attack, and the ones that did, caused me more anxiety due to the reactions to the attack.
A full blown attack for me is like this, it always starts with the chest pain, then the tightening in chest and between my shoulder blades, then if it's going to spin out of my control, my neck begins to get really tight and painful, I cease being able to feel as if I can breathe, and hyperventilate. If I'm at home, I hang myself upside down off my bed to try and stretch out my chest and lungs as much as I can to try to both alleviate the pain and force my lungs to be able to take in good air. If someone is present, I try to get them involved by digging their fist or elbow or whatever as hard as they can between my shoulder blades to try and alleviate the tightness in the muscles and break it up so that it will stop putting whatever pressure it's puttin on my body not allowing it to get the good air I need. The two people that have witnessed one of these both reacted poorly the first time, I'm hangin upside down off the side of the bed, and they're running back and forth asking if I need an ambulance, and when I ask for help they look helpless and tell me they didn't know what to do. As you can imagine, not being able to feel as if you can breathe right and giving someone directions on how to dig into your spine to try and unknot muscles and help shorten the time of the anxiety attack is definitely a tricky business. And it causes more anxiety trying to tell them that you do NOT in fact need an ambulance because it will pass, it's just going to take a while.
Now, imagine this on the highway, alone, in the car, trying to make it home without passing out or dying. It was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. It is crippling because any time you feel the warning signs that there COULD be an anxiety attack, you don't want to take the chance and go anywhere for fear that it will happen and put you or others or both in danger.
So now you know two of the ways that PTSD affects me, but there is so much more. People tell you, don't dwell on the past, and that's very good advice. I don't do that, I don't think they understand that. I don't have control over the PTSD and it's not dwelling on the past that does this to me, it's just a by product of things that did happen, and then further fueled by circumstance. Granted, I can't escape these things, because I'm to the point where this is so serious and affecting my life so much that I've had to work up the courage to call the VA in order to schedule an appointment for re evaluation of it. This has taken me years because it causes me so much anxiety to think about doing this. I just KNOW they're going to want to talk about what caused it etc and it's just not something I like talking about. Obviously it's not pleasant. Otherwise I wouldn't have PTSD in the first place, and I'm not sure if everyone with it has to dig deep to find that courage, but I do. I know it causes me anxiety and therefore I tend to try and avoid it, not ignore it mind you because it's a bit impossible to ignore. Something that affects your life every day of your life is not exactly something that you're able to ignore.
Of course circumstances being what they are, it's not helping things much. Currently I'm unemployed, have no income to speak of, and recently filed my taxes, which were put somewhere else, apparently, though I have not seen any reason for that. So while I relied on that, I also acknowledge that it's not something I had, therefore I'll have to simply deal with the fact that I don't have it still. The end of this past month I ended with a balance of .15c in my account, and eggs and pancake mix left in the pantry. I've turned off just about everything I can, and unplugged everything else I could find to unplug, and my electric bill still went up. So while it's upsetting I just have to laugh because it's like the electric company knows I'm unplugging and turning everything off so they're raising the cost and charging me more. I know that's not the case, but I have to find some humor in it all, or it will simply sweep me away.
LOL they say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade, but at this point, they forgot I don't have sugar, or water and so I have to simply eat them as is. That's just a metaphor of course, I do have water. The absurdity of it all does make me laugh at times, because I can't spend all my time chewing on my nails huddled in a corner. That's not going to do me any good. So I think up ways to poke fun at the situation. May as well, it's poking me so I figure I'll just poke back. *poke*
I did finally work up the courage to call the VA, and so hopefully things will be headed in the right direction.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Another Year
So, it's nearly my birthday, and another year gone by in my life.
One of these days I may even get things right, but until then I guess I'll just have to be happy with all my imperfections. I guess it is fitting that for those born under the sign of the Scorpio the Tarot card that signifies death and rebirth are their card. The Death card is our card. The end of one thing, the beginning of another. I'm not sure about all you other scorps out there, but that tends to be very true for me. I'm constantly seeming to be in a state of flux. One thing or another ends, and I must then struggle to seek a new path, a new way, or to rebirth myself. It's interesting, but it's also exhausting.
I'm so tired of change, I just want for once in my life for something to be constant. And I don't mean being unemployed either LOL. I'm sitting here trying to think of what things I have had that have been constant. My family, and my love for them, that's one, a good one. Which, by the way, I had a call from my big bruvver the other day, that was nice. I love him, and don't get to see him often enough. I think maybe that's the only constant I have had. I suppose it's kept me fairly sane despite all the ups and downs. I think at this point the downs are ahead, but I'm working on that.
Hopefully, once I claw my way out of this hole, I'm out for good...........think I may need a long hot bath once I do, it's a bit musty down here.
One of these days I may even get things right, but until then I guess I'll just have to be happy with all my imperfections. I guess it is fitting that for those born under the sign of the Scorpio the Tarot card that signifies death and rebirth are their card. The Death card is our card. The end of one thing, the beginning of another. I'm not sure about all you other scorps out there, but that tends to be very true for me. I'm constantly seeming to be in a state of flux. One thing or another ends, and I must then struggle to seek a new path, a new way, or to rebirth myself. It's interesting, but it's also exhausting.
I'm so tired of change, I just want for once in my life for something to be constant. And I don't mean being unemployed either LOL. I'm sitting here trying to think of what things I have had that have been constant. My family, and my love for them, that's one, a good one. Which, by the way, I had a call from my big bruvver the other day, that was nice. I love him, and don't get to see him often enough. I think maybe that's the only constant I have had. I suppose it's kept me fairly sane despite all the ups and downs. I think at this point the downs are ahead, but I'm working on that.
Hopefully, once I claw my way out of this hole, I'm out for good...........think I may need a long hot bath once I do, it's a bit musty down here.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Autumn Lessons
In a disposable world, we find that everything is "disposable".
People seem to think everything is disposable. We throw away furniture that's well worn, electronics past their "top of the line" date, pets that they think are too much problem and even people. Autumn was a 6 week old puppy with some severe medical problems. Her original owners thought that this was a problem that was too deep, too expensive or too much trouble and so they were going to throw this little doggies life away......one more victim of a disposable lifestyle. Her last owner saw the gem in her and took her and her medical problems on. Then Autumn got lost.
I had moments where I questioned the wisdom of a God that would saddle someone like me with a little dog, traumatized as she was and with a problem I knew instinctively was not her fault. Especially on a "sticky poo" day. Poor little thing her butt must have itched when the little pooplets didn't just fall off and so she decided to "paint" the carpet with her butt scooting. That day I had to be proactive, and keep a close eye on her after several carpet scrubbings, all the while assuring little Autumn that it was ok, she wasn't in trouble. And then washing her hind quarters as gently as I could. By the end of the day, she didn't necessarily like the tooshy washes, but she was extremely patient and even wagged her tail while I took care of her.
During the 3 weeks she's been with me, we've only had 2 days of sticky poo, so that is definitely a good thing, and only one of those days was multiple times during the day. The first such day was only a one time thing in the morning.
What I learned from Autumn is possibly more valuable than a lot of lessons I could learn elsewhere. Autumn chose me, from the hundreds of people that were at the pool at the doggy dive that day. She saw in me, perhaps a kindred spirit, someone that was battered, bruised and broken. Perhaps she knew I'd been thrown away as something disposable too. This little dog had the sweetest temperament of any dog I've known, aside from my little Aceroni, who's been gone now for about 10 years. She is smart, ultra sensitive, patient, and just a loving little joy.
Granted the problems with her pooper might be a little trying, but everything else about her makes up for that little problem. Maybe she saw the same thing in me, and that's why she chose to have me take her home and nurse her back to health. Perhaps she knew that I'd instinctively know that her little pooplets were not her fault and rather than be scolded, I'd be patient with her and do my best to help her through it and calm her anxiety.
I'm glad to say, she seems fully recovered. I'm also glad to report that her original owner has come forward, gotten things settled and was ready for her to come home. Little Autumn is now Bubbles (bubbies) once more. Fatcat and little kitty had never seen a dog before, but they kept the peace during the time she was here. Perhaps, they too, instinctively knew this little lady had some healing to do, and little kitty had to be the most patient of all, giving up her rightful spot as mommy's hip attachment and making room for a little doggy. I can say that Fatman(Loki) and little kitty(Ciara) seem fairly joyous to have their home back. Fatman has been jaunting around the apartment playing as freely as before she arrived, and babykitty has reclaimed her position as mommy's hip attachment.
For my part, I will miss her, and the lessons that came with her. Nothing is disposable, least of all people and pets.
People seem to think everything is disposable. We throw away furniture that's well worn, electronics past their "top of the line" date, pets that they think are too much problem and even people. Autumn was a 6 week old puppy with some severe medical problems. Her original owners thought that this was a problem that was too deep, too expensive or too much trouble and so they were going to throw this little doggies life away......one more victim of a disposable lifestyle. Her last owner saw the gem in her and took her and her medical problems on. Then Autumn got lost.
I had moments where I questioned the wisdom of a God that would saddle someone like me with a little dog, traumatized as she was and with a problem I knew instinctively was not her fault. Especially on a "sticky poo" day. Poor little thing her butt must have itched when the little pooplets didn't just fall off and so she decided to "paint" the carpet with her butt scooting. That day I had to be proactive, and keep a close eye on her after several carpet scrubbings, all the while assuring little Autumn that it was ok, she wasn't in trouble. And then washing her hind quarters as gently as I could. By the end of the day, she didn't necessarily like the tooshy washes, but she was extremely patient and even wagged her tail while I took care of her.
During the 3 weeks she's been with me, we've only had 2 days of sticky poo, so that is definitely a good thing, and only one of those days was multiple times during the day. The first such day was only a one time thing in the morning.
What I learned from Autumn is possibly more valuable than a lot of lessons I could learn elsewhere. Autumn chose me, from the hundreds of people that were at the pool at the doggy dive that day. She saw in me, perhaps a kindred spirit, someone that was battered, bruised and broken. Perhaps she knew I'd been thrown away as something disposable too. This little dog had the sweetest temperament of any dog I've known, aside from my little Aceroni, who's been gone now for about 10 years. She is smart, ultra sensitive, patient, and just a loving little joy.
Granted the problems with her pooper might be a little trying, but everything else about her makes up for that little problem. Maybe she saw the same thing in me, and that's why she chose to have me take her home and nurse her back to health. Perhaps she knew that I'd instinctively know that her little pooplets were not her fault and rather than be scolded, I'd be patient with her and do my best to help her through it and calm her anxiety.
I'm glad to say, she seems fully recovered. I'm also glad to report that her original owner has come forward, gotten things settled and was ready for her to come home. Little Autumn is now Bubbles (bubbies) once more. Fatcat and little kitty had never seen a dog before, but they kept the peace during the time she was here. Perhaps, they too, instinctively knew this little lady had some healing to do, and little kitty had to be the most patient of all, giving up her rightful spot as mommy's hip attachment and making room for a little doggy. I can say that Fatman(Loki) and little kitty(Ciara) seem fairly joyous to have their home back. Fatman has been jaunting around the apartment playing as freely as before she arrived, and babykitty has reclaimed her position as mommy's hip attachment.
For my part, I will miss her, and the lessons that came with her. Nothing is disposable, least of all people and pets.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Autumn's (Bubbles') Story
I have been contacted by the 4 year owner of Autumn.
Her name was Bubbles, they were in the park playing when I gather that Bubbles suddenly ran off. I'm not sure what the circumstance was surrounding her just taking off, but suffice it to say, she did so. Her owner looked for her for several days, and then finally gave up. She was apparently perusing Craig's list in the community pet section and came across my article and sent a response to it.
Since then, I've learned a few things about Autumn. She was a puppy who had a problem with her tooshy. She couldn't go and so needed what I gather was a costly surgery to correct it so that she could go poo. The original owners either couldn't afford it, or saw this as a potential life long and costly affair. They were prepared to destroy this 6 week old pup. The last owner took her on, saw her through her surgery and knows about her dropping little pooplets. This is apparently a side effect of having to correct her pooper so that the opening was large enough to pass her waste.
Her owner recently lost her job, and in her words, "doesn't deserve her any more". I disagree with that. Everyone falls on hard times as I very well know. She's currently not sure if she can/will find another job and is facing possibly losing her home. I sent her what I hope was an encouraging email telling her that we don't blame her for lilpup running off, nor do we think she was a bad pet owner just because she lost her job. That perhaps this was God's way of telling her it's time to slow down and focus on the most important things in life, which are the ones you love and who love you back. Perhaps she was getting that message already, and didn't listen so God forced the issue. Who's to say.
Either way, I've told her that if she wants me to keep Autumn aka Bubbles for the time being until she sorts things out, I will. I also said that it's apparent she loved this little dog. She's got some great training already, and you don't devote time and money into something you don't love......well, at least you shouldn't. I told her that when she gets back on her feet, if she's ready for Autumn to come home, then I'm more than happy to bring her to her.
I certainly hope that she finds another position that allows her to focus on the important things, while also being able to keep her home and pets.
Her name was Bubbles, they were in the park playing when I gather that Bubbles suddenly ran off. I'm not sure what the circumstance was surrounding her just taking off, but suffice it to say, she did so. Her owner looked for her for several days, and then finally gave up. She was apparently perusing Craig's list in the community pet section and came across my article and sent a response to it.
Since then, I've learned a few things about Autumn. She was a puppy who had a problem with her tooshy. She couldn't go and so needed what I gather was a costly surgery to correct it so that she could go poo. The original owners either couldn't afford it, or saw this as a potential life long and costly affair. They were prepared to destroy this 6 week old pup. The last owner took her on, saw her through her surgery and knows about her dropping little pooplets. This is apparently a side effect of having to correct her pooper so that the opening was large enough to pass her waste.
Her owner recently lost her job, and in her words, "doesn't deserve her any more". I disagree with that. Everyone falls on hard times as I very well know. She's currently not sure if she can/will find another job and is facing possibly losing her home. I sent her what I hope was an encouraging email telling her that we don't blame her for lilpup running off, nor do we think she was a bad pet owner just because she lost her job. That perhaps this was God's way of telling her it's time to slow down and focus on the most important things in life, which are the ones you love and who love you back. Perhaps she was getting that message already, and didn't listen so God forced the issue. Who's to say.
Either way, I've told her that if she wants me to keep Autumn aka Bubbles for the time being until she sorts things out, I will. I also said that it's apparent she loved this little dog. She's got some great training already, and you don't devote time and money into something you don't love......well, at least you shouldn't. I told her that when she gets back on her feet, if she's ready for Autumn to come home, then I'm more than happy to bring her to her.
I certainly hope that she finds another position that allows her to focus on the important things, while also being able to keep her home and pets.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Crazy Autumn
LOL yesterday was a fun day.
I woke up and got Autumn as usual. She loves attention and gets so happy and excited to be let out of the kennel, so I like to spend time with her first thing in the morning. Well, when I was brushing my teeth I noticed she had a little pooplet stuck to her tooshie. So I was just about to grab some TP and get it when she started to put her butt on the floor to scoot it. I said nooooooo (you know, that slomo movie kind while you're diving for the priceless vase). Not too loud, but she still thought oh crap, I'm in big trouble, and darted out of sight.
I grabbed some TP and looked around for her, and don't you know, she ran into the kennel and was facing the wall like she was in trouble. >.< LOL. I brought her out and reassured her you're not in trouble but let's get this off you, and then cleaned her up with some wipes. Then of course I had to give her tons of affection since she was so wounded.
Later, I took her to pet smart and found her a little seatbelt harness. I've taken her on a few car rides and keep adjusting it, because her name should possibly be Houdini. She just wiggles herself out of that and I swear I don't know how since it feels snug enough to me, but I tighten it a bit more here and there and try again.
I also noticed some fleas on her, and not knowing when she's been treated, if ever, I went ahead and got some biospot to try that. I haven't really seen too many on her since then so that's good.
The vet wasn't in when we were there, I got there just after they'd closed, but we did stop in where they do grooming so I could ask how much things like that would be. She get's a little nervous around bigger animals, but all in all, I think she had a pretty good time.
I still laugh when I give her treats or food and she carries it around for a while until she decides to eat them.
I woke up and got Autumn as usual. She loves attention and gets so happy and excited to be let out of the kennel, so I like to spend time with her first thing in the morning. Well, when I was brushing my teeth I noticed she had a little pooplet stuck to her tooshie. So I was just about to grab some TP and get it when she started to put her butt on the floor to scoot it. I said nooooooo (you know, that slomo movie kind while you're diving for the priceless vase). Not too loud, but she still thought oh crap, I'm in big trouble, and darted out of sight.
I grabbed some TP and looked around for her, and don't you know, she ran into the kennel and was facing the wall like she was in trouble. >.< LOL. I brought her out and reassured her you're not in trouble but let's get this off you, and then cleaned her up with some wipes. Then of course I had to give her tons of affection since she was so wounded.
Later, I took her to pet smart and found her a little seatbelt harness. I've taken her on a few car rides and keep adjusting it, because her name should possibly be Houdini. She just wiggles herself out of that and I swear I don't know how since it feels snug enough to me, but I tighten it a bit more here and there and try again.
I also noticed some fleas on her, and not knowing when she's been treated, if ever, I went ahead and got some biospot to try that. I haven't really seen too many on her since then so that's good.
The vet wasn't in when we were there, I got there just after they'd closed, but we did stop in where they do grooming so I could ask how much things like that would be. She get's a little nervous around bigger animals, but all in all, I think she had a pretty good time.
I still laugh when I give her treats or food and she carries it around for a while until she decides to eat them.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Healing Autumn
Progress is always a wonderful thing.
When Autumn first came here just over a week ago, she did not bark. She stuck to me like glue. She would scream like death was coming for her if I had to kennel her to go to the store......she would of course wait until after I'd left and I'd hear this pitiful wailing when I was coming to my door to unlock it. She wouldn't go poop or pee very often if something distracted her.
So far, I've gotten her to the point where, she might feel a little anxious when I'm in the bath, but the crying is now minimal, which is wonderful since I don't really like smelling bad........NO MATTER WHAT YOU MAY HAVE HEARD TO THE CONTRARY! Just kidding :P. She will stand being kenneled overnight, though getting her in on her own is not happening. She will, however, tolerate me placing her in, giving her a lot of praise, adjusting her blankies, giving her chewies and treats, and petting her before I tell her it's ninitime. I'm not sure if she sleeps when she is in there, but I tend to get up during the night for the bathroom or whatever, and if she cries I get her out and let her lie with me for a while til I'm ready to get up get up.
I've begun taking her out without her asking me to take her out, and that seems to actually be helping with the bathroom anxiety. She's going more consistently while I'm taking numerous trips out with her. She doesn't ALWAYS go, but then, I wouldn't expect her to. I'm seeing less pooplets, so I think this is possibly a good thing for her, so she knows she is not bothering me by asking to go out. I can't confirm of course, but it seems some of this anxiety could stem from being lost, or even from having been left alone for long periods of time and then being reprimanded for going potty on the floor....or where ever she was kept.
Autumn has found her voice too, now I just have to help her learn how to use it a bit more quietly. Since I can sometimes have insomnia, it's not a great thing for her to be barking at the trees, bushes, shadows etc at 2 am 4 am etc.
She still sticks primarily to me, but she's more free now. She's getting down to play, drink and explore, though the periods are brief. She's a little more curious about the kitties, but she tends to snap at fatman whereas the little kitty she's more tolerant of. I'm not sure where that comes from, perhaps a feral cat was not nice to her when she was lost, and maybe it was a big one. Neither fatman nor babykitty has ever seen a dog except through the window, so they tend to be a little careful around her though they won't run unless she charges at them. The times she does this is typically if she's by my side, or if food is nearby. I tend to spoil the animals, so they are all allowed some people food if I think it won't hurt them to have some. I'm trying to give them some near each other and reassuring them all when they get it, so they know no one will go forgotten.
Fatman (Loki) is a big baby, so even though he's probably 5 times her size, he runs away if she shows any aggression towards him. I'd really like them all to be friends, since it might be nice for her to have someone to play with besides me. And they could keep one another warm. Babykitty (Ciara) is a bit more adventurous and walks all over me even when lilpup is by my side. I'm sure it vexes her that mommy has a new hip attachment, since that's always typically been her spot. She's finding ways around it though, by sitting on the other side on the chair arm when she wants attention. Autumn isn't as quick to snap at her, but usually they're both in arms reach and I can pet them both and subdue any inclination to want to snap more easily in these interactions. That may be one reason, the other may be that babykitty is smaller than her, so perhaps she perceives her as less threat. It could also be that since she's taken her place at my side, she may have more of that smell so it could be a more comforting or acceptable relationship.
I don't know what the relationship was with the previous owners. I've had no response from anyone claiming her. It is obvious that someone played with her at some time since she will fetch and play tug to some extent.
I have been leaving her out of the kennel when I'm only gone for short periods, and she seems to be doing well. I'm not sure what they all do while I'm gone, but nothing seems to be disturbed when I get back. She will sit and stay when I go to the door to leave, so she has been taught some of the fundamental things a lil dog needs to know. Either that, or she's just one smart lil lady, and knows what I want her to do.
She loves car rides, so I may take her with me to Pet Smart to look at car seats, and stop by the vet to ask if she may have a chip in her.
When Autumn first came here just over a week ago, she did not bark. She stuck to me like glue. She would scream like death was coming for her if I had to kennel her to go to the store......she would of course wait until after I'd left and I'd hear this pitiful wailing when I was coming to my door to unlock it. She wouldn't go poop or pee very often if something distracted her.
So far, I've gotten her to the point where, she might feel a little anxious when I'm in the bath, but the crying is now minimal, which is wonderful since I don't really like smelling bad........NO MATTER WHAT YOU MAY HAVE HEARD TO THE CONTRARY! Just kidding :P. She will stand being kenneled overnight, though getting her in on her own is not happening. She will, however, tolerate me placing her in, giving her a lot of praise, adjusting her blankies, giving her chewies and treats, and petting her before I tell her it's ninitime. I'm not sure if she sleeps when she is in there, but I tend to get up during the night for the bathroom or whatever, and if she cries I get her out and let her lie with me for a while til I'm ready to get up get up.
I've begun taking her out without her asking me to take her out, and that seems to actually be helping with the bathroom anxiety. She's going more consistently while I'm taking numerous trips out with her. She doesn't ALWAYS go, but then, I wouldn't expect her to. I'm seeing less pooplets, so I think this is possibly a good thing for her, so she knows she is not bothering me by asking to go out. I can't confirm of course, but it seems some of this anxiety could stem from being lost, or even from having been left alone for long periods of time and then being reprimanded for going potty on the floor....or where ever she was kept.
Autumn has found her voice too, now I just have to help her learn how to use it a bit more quietly. Since I can sometimes have insomnia, it's not a great thing for her to be barking at the trees, bushes, shadows etc at 2 am 4 am etc.
She still sticks primarily to me, but she's more free now. She's getting down to play, drink and explore, though the periods are brief. She's a little more curious about the kitties, but she tends to snap at fatman whereas the little kitty she's more tolerant of. I'm not sure where that comes from, perhaps a feral cat was not nice to her when she was lost, and maybe it was a big one. Neither fatman nor babykitty has ever seen a dog except through the window, so they tend to be a little careful around her though they won't run unless she charges at them. The times she does this is typically if she's by my side, or if food is nearby. I tend to spoil the animals, so they are all allowed some people food if I think it won't hurt them to have some. I'm trying to give them some near each other and reassuring them all when they get it, so they know no one will go forgotten.
Fatman (Loki) is a big baby, so even though he's probably 5 times her size, he runs away if she shows any aggression towards him. I'd really like them all to be friends, since it might be nice for her to have someone to play with besides me. And they could keep one another warm. Babykitty (Ciara) is a bit more adventurous and walks all over me even when lilpup is by my side. I'm sure it vexes her that mommy has a new hip attachment, since that's always typically been her spot. She's finding ways around it though, by sitting on the other side on the chair arm when she wants attention. Autumn isn't as quick to snap at her, but usually they're both in arms reach and I can pet them both and subdue any inclination to want to snap more easily in these interactions. That may be one reason, the other may be that babykitty is smaller than her, so perhaps she perceives her as less threat. It could also be that since she's taken her place at my side, she may have more of that smell so it could be a more comforting or acceptable relationship.
I don't know what the relationship was with the previous owners. I've had no response from anyone claiming her. It is obvious that someone played with her at some time since she will fetch and play tug to some extent.
I have been leaving her out of the kennel when I'm only gone for short periods, and she seems to be doing well. I'm not sure what they all do while I'm gone, but nothing seems to be disturbed when I get back. She will sit and stay when I go to the door to leave, so she has been taught some of the fundamental things a lil dog needs to know. Either that, or she's just one smart lil lady, and knows what I want her to do.
She loves car rides, so I may take her with me to Pet Smart to look at car seats, and stop by the vet to ask if she may have a chip in her.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Autumn's Trauma
I guess I should explain a few things leading into this post.
For some odd reason, small children and animals have some kind of kinship with me. I'm not sure what it is, but it's there. I've had children in supermarkets attempt to get out of shopping carts for me to hold them or when pushing around friend's infants in stores etc. I've had them just rolling with laughter when I ask what they're smiling at....my halo or my horns. These are children too young for words, yet they find the joke hilarious.
I have yet to figure out why these little treasures have such an affinity for me, and it's MOST, not ALL of course. I can't say I mind it all too much since I like them too.
Recently, at an event my sister organizes every year called the annual Doggie Dive, there was a little toy poodle that had been lost/abandoned or otherwise in the pool area for several days. No one could catch her until the day of the doggie dive when she dove into the pool and I believe it was my sister who fished her out again.
I got there and found her holding this little bundle wrapped in a towel and asked, "wait, what's this.......did you get a new baby?" My sister told me no, then proceeded to tell me how she'd finally been caught. I approached the little lady and told her you poor baby, are you lost? And she decided she liked me and licked me, then of course I had to hold her either in my arms or on my lap all that day. We found a leash from one of the booths there, and some food, which I had to hand feed her while she was on my lap since she didn't yet feel confident enough to be far from me.
As the day wore on, and there were fewer dogs, I let her down to go and drink water, which she did as long as I was in her view, and then she'd run back and hop on my leg to be picked up. She allowed my sister to hold her as well, but every time she heard my voice she would cry to come back to me. That day I let go of the leash and she would never stray far from me, I wanted to test her reaction to having some freedom in relative safety.
Her photo was posted on several sites including the one for the doggie dive asking her rightful owners to come and claim her. The day passed and no one came. The various shelters that were there could not take her as it was the weekend, and she had bonded with me, so I took her home. I don't need a dog, I didn't want a dog, and yet I have one. It's not a breed I would have chosen for myself, but she's apparently decided I'm a breed she would choose for herself.
We have a lot of healing to do, she throws a fit if I must leave, and even cries when I'm in the tub because we're separated by a barrier. I'm also trying to kennel train her so that she knows "gone from sight" does not mean "gone forever". We have made some progress, she doesn't like the kennel, but she will tolerate it as long as a shirt I've worn is placed in there with her.
I don't know how long she was lost, or what trials she faced while she was gone, but for whatever reason, I am having a hard time getting her to use the bathroom. She will cry to go out, but if something distracts her, she will not go. It took me half the day from the time we woke up until a little while ago to get her to go pee today. For some reason she's got the idea that going pee/poop isn't a good idea or allowed, and so when she does I give her a lot of praise. I can not imagine how uncomfortable it must be for such a little dog to hold that for days at a time. Since she won't go for long periods of times, and she's trying so hard to hold it, she might drop little "pooplets" when she gets excited, but since it's not on purpose and is stemming from the trauma she's not corrected for it. It's a side effect of her feeling like she has to hold it, and we're trying to work through that too. If anyone knows about these things, feel free to share.
We have discovered that I can leave the room without too much fuss if she's interested in chasing the laser light that the kitties love so much. She will chase that thing all over and nothing else exists for her in that perfect moment of play. She carries around treats and food, but she's getting braver, and jumping down on her own sometimes to get some and bringing it back to eat near me, instead of me having to take her and feeding her by hand.
She had no collar and so I don't know her "old" name, and so since she looks like fall colors I'm calling her Autumn.....whenever she's not being called good girl or pretty girl. I've also added a post to craig's list since I'm not sure where her owners might think to look, but no matter what, no one can have her if that bond is not there, or if she shows any kind of hesitance or fear. I will not risk having this little lady go through any more trauma at the hands of another human.
For some odd reason, small children and animals have some kind of kinship with me. I'm not sure what it is, but it's there. I've had children in supermarkets attempt to get out of shopping carts for me to hold them or when pushing around friend's infants in stores etc. I've had them just rolling with laughter when I ask what they're smiling at....my halo or my horns. These are children too young for words, yet they find the joke hilarious.
I have yet to figure out why these little treasures have such an affinity for me, and it's MOST, not ALL of course. I can't say I mind it all too much since I like them too.
Recently, at an event my sister organizes every year called the annual Doggie Dive, there was a little toy poodle that had been lost/abandoned or otherwise in the pool area for several days. No one could catch her until the day of the doggie dive when she dove into the pool and I believe it was my sister who fished her out again.
I got there and found her holding this little bundle wrapped in a towel and asked, "wait, what's this.......did you get a new baby?" My sister told me no, then proceeded to tell me how she'd finally been caught. I approached the little lady and told her you poor baby, are you lost? And she decided she liked me and licked me, then of course I had to hold her either in my arms or on my lap all that day. We found a leash from one of the booths there, and some food, which I had to hand feed her while she was on my lap since she didn't yet feel confident enough to be far from me.
As the day wore on, and there were fewer dogs, I let her down to go and drink water, which she did as long as I was in her view, and then she'd run back and hop on my leg to be picked up. She allowed my sister to hold her as well, but every time she heard my voice she would cry to come back to me. That day I let go of the leash and she would never stray far from me, I wanted to test her reaction to having some freedom in relative safety.
Her photo was posted on several sites including the one for the doggie dive asking her rightful owners to come and claim her. The day passed and no one came. The various shelters that were there could not take her as it was the weekend, and she had bonded with me, so I took her home. I don't need a dog, I didn't want a dog, and yet I have one. It's not a breed I would have chosen for myself, but she's apparently decided I'm a breed she would choose for herself.
We have a lot of healing to do, she throws a fit if I must leave, and even cries when I'm in the tub because we're separated by a barrier. I'm also trying to kennel train her so that she knows "gone from sight" does not mean "gone forever". We have made some progress, she doesn't like the kennel, but she will tolerate it as long as a shirt I've worn is placed in there with her.
I don't know how long she was lost, or what trials she faced while she was gone, but for whatever reason, I am having a hard time getting her to use the bathroom. She will cry to go out, but if something distracts her, she will not go. It took me half the day from the time we woke up until a little while ago to get her to go pee today. For some reason she's got the idea that going pee/poop isn't a good idea or allowed, and so when she does I give her a lot of praise. I can not imagine how uncomfortable it must be for such a little dog to hold that for days at a time. Since she won't go for long periods of times, and she's trying so hard to hold it, she might drop little "pooplets" when she gets excited, but since it's not on purpose and is stemming from the trauma she's not corrected for it. It's a side effect of her feeling like she has to hold it, and we're trying to work through that too. If anyone knows about these things, feel free to share.
We have discovered that I can leave the room without too much fuss if she's interested in chasing the laser light that the kitties love so much. She will chase that thing all over and nothing else exists for her in that perfect moment of play. She carries around treats and food, but she's getting braver, and jumping down on her own sometimes to get some and bringing it back to eat near me, instead of me having to take her and feeding her by hand.
She had no collar and so I don't know her "old" name, and so since she looks like fall colors I'm calling her Autumn.....whenever she's not being called good girl or pretty girl. I've also added a post to craig's list since I'm not sure where her owners might think to look, but no matter what, no one can have her if that bond is not there, or if she shows any kind of hesitance or fear. I will not risk having this little lady go through any more trauma at the hands of another human.
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