LOL fun with PAINT!!!

I suck at drawing but I thought I would give a visual aid to go along with the last post.....

ENJOY!!!!

Just a silly illustration to give you an idea of what my spine might look like if you could see it LOL!!

Therapy/medical care update

Well, HELLLOOOOOOO!!!

I bet you thought I fell of the face of the earth.  I've been doing some very in depth therapy for my PTSD in which I have lots of homework that is very difficult and emotionally taxing.  I am usually completely wiped out after a session.

The therapy I'm currently taking part in is called CPT or Cognitive Processing Therapy.  This is a 12 week program in which we try to target, identify and begin to unravel "stuck points".  A stuck point is something that happens when a trauma occurs that violates your personal belief/norm or whatever you want to call it.  Say for example you have a belief that the sky is blue, and one day you go outside, and instead of blue the sky is red.  When something like this happens, and it's in concurrence with a given trauma, the result is sometimes a stuck point that doesn't allow for you to move beyond the stuck point.  The result is avoidance, distancing and growing difficulties such as I've had.

I just had my 7th session of CPT therapy this week, and I think we're getting some results, obviously, I'm not cured, but it is reassuring to see the weekly questionnaire asking about my avoidance, dreams, etc that are a result of the PTSD, charted showing rise and falls with different types of homework.  This does make sense since some homework deals directly with restating your experience with the trauma, or trying to target specific times you noticed things happening, such as a trip to the grocery store, asking for help and the thoughts that come along with anxiety that might arise, or just a daily event etc.  Naturally, when things are targeting certain aspects of a traumatic event you will see a rise in instances of intrusive thoughts etc.

Together, my therapist and I have targeted and identified 4 pages of stuck points which is phenomenal.  Some of these that come out with different homeworks are very difficult to admit to, since you feel very little or vulnerable when you identify them because now, you own them.  But, what we're doing now is working on the stuck points to question them, I guess to really understand, it might be helpful to give an example.  Since the trauma dealt with my ex, one of mine that came out is anyone can hurt me.  My brain said, hey, husbands and wives are not supposed to do these things to one another, so if this person that I chose to be with, and love, and who is supposed to love me can do this, then anyone can.  So my personal belief that spouses should act and treat one another lovingly was violated causing that stuck point to occur.  Now this is what is called a problematic stuck point/thought etc.  So in homework we question this thought that anyone can hurt me, is it true, is it reliable etc.  if there are points for and none against a stuck point, then it holds true, however, when you're going through the process and there are points for AND points against, then this stuck point is a habit not a fact.  So for example we might say anyone can hurt me, BUT the points against this are that not everyone will or wants to.  In this way you begin to question the things your mind has been stuck on because your mind was stuck on the sky is blue.....why is it red......and simply could not get past that.

Now, I don't know how much the results will change things by week 12, but I can say this, this gives me tools to use even beyond the 12 week period to continue to utilize them to break down these stuck points and the damage that they've caused.  With tools, you can now begin to take control over the situation, instead of letting the situation control you.

Now for the news on the medical front!!!

I have been seeing a doctor that has been trying to be very thorough in helping me to try and address some of my problematic medical issues such as my insomnia, back, migraines etc.  We are trying to be proactive.  She has sent me to a chiropractor for adjustments, and when he felt the curves all the way down he was very honest about this being a temporary help.  He is a very frank and very honest man, and even though I've only been to him a few times so far, I really respect him for these qualities.  He said I've needed this for a VERY long time, which I think is obvious to me at this point since in the past I was basically told that there was nothing that could be done for me about my back since it had developed so many curves.  Anyone that has ever been to San Fransisco, think of Lombardi street, put a head on top, arms on the sides and legs on the bottom and that's my back in a nutshell.  My doctor was thinking that my back might also benefit from swim therapy, which we're looking into to see if there is anything like this in my area.  I also asked her about yoga, since I have heard of some people benefiting from that when they have problems with their backs.  She said well, that would primarily be for problems with muscles, and yours is in the bones, and then I followed up with a question well, if I can strengthen up the muscles can it stop the scoliosis from continuing to advance, or at least slow it down?  She said well, she's not sure if that might help slow or stop it since it's bones, but if I do I definitely have to go slow with it, and NOT do anything advanced.  The chiropractor said the same thing too (in fact I thought of it when I went to see him, so asked him first), so I would need to find a yoga program that had "baby yoga" where I can do the basics and nothing that might put my spine in jeopardy.  My doctor after doing a series of x-rays is now wanting to send me to do MRI/Cat scans and then on to a neurosurgeon to see if there is any procedure that might be a benefit.  I have a feeling they're going to look at my spinal x-rays and fall over before telling me that with so many curves, there's not much they could do.  Unless they develop "braces" for backs in a very short time span I'm pretty sure that there isn't.  And I mean the type for teeth, by the way.  The only issue this might pose would be that since when I was a young adult I only had a 5 degree curve in the lumbar, and I now have developed multiple  curvatures from the neck to my tailbone, they also need to identify why.  The doctor told me that wasn't her area of expertise, so she couldn't say why it was advancing, but I have a suspicion it's one of two things.  I began to develop arthritis fairly young, at 24 or so, so it's either that, or the fact that working in the medical field all the patient lifting in the hospital, on the ambulances etc, put a lot of strain on my back and it just couldn't take it, or a combination of both.

I actually had one doctor I worked with tell me scoliosis could not advance in adulthood, and I pointed at my x-ray and asked, then what is that?

My doctor has been fairly proactive on the insomnia/migraine front too.  She heard me when I told her that I was nervous about medications that are habit forming and she prescribed one that is meant to target both my migraines, my insomnia AND also may have a positive affect on my anxiety.  I like that, heck of you're going to have to take a medication, it may as well do lots of things, instead of taking lots of medicine for one thing each.

Now, where are these totally awesome therapists and doctors?  I have been very fortunate to be in the area I am in, with a VA staff like the one I have here.  My chiropractor isn't at the VA but the therapist and doctor are.  I'm not sure if the neurosurgeon will be there or elsewhere but I guess I'll find that out when we cross that bridge.  I like that she asked me if I was claustrophobic too, because I am, actually.  But I told her I've had MRI and Cat scans before, and I was fine, I focused on things further out and not the fact that I was surrounded by big machines, so even though I was nervous I got through it and I was fine and the results were able to be read as well.  I'd prefer to not have to be sedated to do a medical exam LOL.

So, now that you know I'm still on planet earth and not spinning out of control somewhere in space, you can rest easy in the knowledge that I seem to be in good, caring and capable hands at the present time, and this means a lot to me and I'm sure my family is also breathing easier knowing that I'm being taken care of.

PTSD

I wanted to make a post about PTSD and what it does to you.

I don't think people that don't have it or haven't had or seen a full blown anxiety attack can fully understand.  So I thought I'd try to write a bit about it to try and explain.  My mother loves me and I love her dearly, and I know she worries a lot about me.  I think she may have some PTSD in a mild form, but I don't think she fully grasps how crippling it is for me.  A few years ago, when my husband left, and I had to leave a job because my employer was beginning to punch walls and I felt fearful of that situation, I think my PTSD took a really bad turn for the worst.

I'd had occasional anxiety attacks prior to that, but I was lucky, I had never had one in public.  So for the most part, while it was far more serious than people knew, it was not nearly as serious as it is currently.  When those things happened, I continued to try to work, I tried to continue on in the same manner trying to take each day as it comes.  I tried not to worry over much about the future or the fact that things were not their best.  I went on this way, until I was starting to have other medical complications due to other things such as my PCOD, and arthritis and it was beginning to seriously affect my life in a negative way.  It was making me very ill, there were a lot of call offs, doctor visits etc.  My sleep was affected badly, and I began to worry in hyperdrive.  I was already anxious because of the type of job I had, and because my personal life had also suffered.  I'm a worrier by nature, but this was beyond the normal typical amount of worry, where a thought about something that needed being done comes to mind, you think about how you might go about it and make a plan, this was worrying for the sake of worrying.  I was worried about my health, my job, etc.

It turned out that I had a cyst that needed surgery, and that's ok, but my sleep was worse and worse.  I was falling into a full blown state of what seems to be ongoing insomnia.  Some stemming from anxiety which can be handled in part with some over the counter herbs that help make you tired, and from keeping noise going to calm and hush a noisy mind.  The other parts that affect it are not as easily handled, such as back/arthritis pain when the weather changes or whatever the case may be.  Wet/dry, cold/hot and vice versa tends to wreak havoc on me.  And then there's the weird things going on with sinuses that causes one of my ears to sound like a kettle drum at times.  Talk about annoying, how are you supposed to sleep with a wiggly ear drum?

Well, after the surgery, and after some hard work to try and fix my sleep patterns, I thought I was on the right track, and ready to return to work.  That's when it happened.  After a few days I began to be particularly aware of the effects of the stress of having people yelling at me all the time.  Because the PTSD was in a heightened state, I would sometimes have crying fits at work, though trying to sound as if I was fine on my calls, and still take the time to be efficient at my work.  Then as this worsened, one day on my way home, the worst experience I've ever had happened.  I began to feel the tightness in my chest and between my shoulders indicating that I was about to have a full blown anxiety attack.  I was on the highway, and so I tried to breathe my way through it to keep it from happening, but it happened anyway.

I'd like to say a little bit about anxiety and the differing degrees of attacks that happen to me.  I have chestpain every single day from it.  Some days I am insanely dizzy because I'm sure I'm not breathing right or something going on.  That's mild, but still cripples you by making it so you feel you can't or don't want to chance going anywhere due to what might happen if you do.  I'd had them like this prior to the driving incident but never paid it as much attention until after that incident.  After it, the level of fear associated with the anxiety went off the charts.  You'll understand momentarily when I describe a full blown attack I'm sure.  But there are days where I might have the tightness in my chest and back but not have it go into a full blown attack.  There are few people that have ever witnessed such an attack, and the ones that did, caused me more anxiety due to the reactions to the attack.

A full blown attack for me is like this, it always starts with the chest pain, then the tightening in chest and between my shoulder blades, then if it's going to spin out of my control, my neck begins to get really tight and painful, I cease being able to feel as if I can breathe, and hyperventilate.  If I'm at home, I hang myself upside down off my bed to try and stretch out my chest and lungs as much as I can to try to both alleviate the pain and force my lungs to be able to take in good air.  If someone is present, I try to get them involved by digging their fist or elbow or whatever as hard as they can between my shoulder blades to try and alleviate the tightness in the muscles and break it up so that it will stop putting whatever pressure it's puttin on my body not allowing it to get the good air I need.  The two people that have witnessed one of these both reacted poorly the first time, I'm hangin upside down off the side of the bed, and they're running back and forth asking if I need an ambulance, and when I ask for help they look helpless and tell me they didn't know what to do.  As you can imagine, not being able to feel as if you can breathe right and giving someone directions on how to dig into your spine to try and unknot muscles and help shorten the time of the anxiety attack is definitely a tricky business.  And it causes more anxiety trying to tell them that you do NOT in fact need an ambulance because it will pass, it's just going to take a while.

Now, imagine this on the highway, alone, in the car, trying to make it home without passing out or dying.  It was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life.  It is crippling because any time you feel the warning signs that there COULD be an anxiety attack, you don't want to take the chance and go anywhere for fear that it will happen and put you or others or both in danger.

So now you know two of the ways that PTSD affects me, but there is so much more.  People tell you, don't dwell on the past, and that's very good advice.  I don't do that, I don't think they understand that.  I don't have control over the PTSD and it's not dwelling on the past that does this to me, it's just a by product of things that did happen, and then further fueled by circumstance.  Granted, I can't escape these things, because I'm to the point where this is so serious and affecting my life so much that I've had to work up the courage to call the VA in order to schedule an appointment for re evaluation of it.  This has taken me years because it causes me so much anxiety to think about doing this.  I just KNOW they're going to want to talk about what caused it etc and it's just not something I like talking about.  Obviously it's not pleasant.  Otherwise I wouldn't have PTSD in the first place, and I'm not sure if everyone with it has to dig deep to find that courage, but I do.  I know it causes me anxiety and therefore I tend to try and avoid it, not ignore it mind you because it's a bit impossible to ignore.  Something that affects your life every day of your life is not exactly something that you're able to ignore.

Of course circumstances being what they are, it's not helping things much.  Currently I'm unemployed, have no income to speak of, and recently filed my taxes, which were put somewhere else, apparently, though I have not seen any reason for that.  So while I relied on that, I also acknowledge that it's not something I had, therefore I'll have to simply deal with the fact that I don't have it still.  The end of this past month I ended with a balance of .15c in my account, and eggs and pancake mix left in the pantry.  I've turned off just about everything I can, and unplugged everything else I could find to unplug, and my electric bill still went up.  So while it's upsetting I just have to laugh because it's like the electric company knows I'm unplugging and turning everything off so they're raising the cost and charging me more.  I know that's not the case, but I have to find some humor in it all, or it will simply sweep me away.

LOL they say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade, but at this point, they forgot I don't have sugar, or water and so I have to simply eat them as is.  That's just a metaphor of course, I do have water.  The absurdity of it all does make me laugh at times, because I can't spend all my time chewing on my nails huddled in a corner.  That's not going to do me any good.  So I think up ways to poke fun at the situation.  May as well, it's poking me so I figure I'll just poke back. *poke*

I did finally work up the courage to call the VA, and so hopefully things will be headed in the right direction.

Another Year

So, it's nearly my birthday, and another year gone by in my life.

One of these days I may even get things right, but until then I guess I'll just have to be happy with all my imperfections.  I guess it is fitting that for those born under the sign of the Scorpio the Tarot card that signifies death and rebirth are their card.  The Death card is our card.  The end of one thing, the beginning of another.  I'm not sure about all you other scorps out there, but that tends to be very true for me.  I'm constantly seeming to be in a state of flux.  One thing or another ends, and I must then struggle to seek a new path, a new way, or to rebirth myself.  It's interesting, but it's also exhausting.

I'm so tired of change, I just want for once in my life for something to be constant.  And I don't mean being unemployed either LOL.  I'm sitting here trying to think of what things I have had that have been constant.  My family, and my love for them, that's one, a good one.  Which, by the way, I had a call from my big bruvver the other day, that was nice.  I love him, and don't get to see him often enough.  I think maybe that's the only constant I have had.  I suppose it's kept me fairly sane despite all the ups and downs.  I think at this point the downs are ahead, but I'm working on that.

Hopefully, once I claw my way out of this hole, I'm out for good...........think I may need a long hot bath once I do, it's a bit musty down here.

Autumn Lessons

In a disposable world, we find that everything is "disposable".

People seem to think everything is disposable.  We throw away furniture that's well worn, electronics past their "top of the line" date, pets that they think are too much problem and even people.  Autumn was a 6 week old puppy with some severe medical problems.  Her original owners thought that this was a problem that was too deep, too expensive or too much trouble and so they were going to throw this little doggies life away......one more victim of a disposable lifestyle.  Her last owner saw the gem in her and took her and her medical problems on.  Then Autumn got lost.

I had moments where I questioned the wisdom of a God that would saddle someone like me with a little dog, traumatized as she was and with a problem I knew instinctively was not her fault.  Especially on a "sticky poo" day.  Poor little thing her butt must have itched when the little pooplets didn't just fall off and so she decided to "paint" the carpet with her butt scooting.  That day I had to be proactive, and keep a close eye on her after several carpet scrubbings, all the while assuring little Autumn that it was ok, she wasn't in trouble.  And then washing her hind quarters as gently as I could.  By the end of the day, she didn't necessarily like the tooshy washes, but she was extremely patient and even wagged her tail while I took care of her.

During the 3 weeks she's been with me, we've only had 2 days of sticky poo, so that is definitely a good thing, and only one of those days was multiple times during the day.  The first such day was only a one time thing in the morning.

What I learned from Autumn is possibly more valuable than a lot of lessons I could learn elsewhere.  Autumn chose me, from the hundreds of people that were at the pool at the doggy dive that day.  She saw in me, perhaps a kindred spirit, someone that was battered, bruised and broken.  Perhaps she knew I'd been thrown away as something disposable too.  This little dog had the sweetest temperament of any dog I've known, aside from my little Aceroni, who's been gone now for about 10 years.  She is smart, ultra sensitive, patient, and just a loving little joy.

Granted the problems with her pooper might be a little trying, but everything else about her makes up for that little problem.  Maybe she saw the same thing in me, and that's why she chose to have me take her home and nurse her back to health.  Perhaps she knew that I'd instinctively know that her little pooplets were not her fault and rather than be scolded, I'd be patient with her and do my best to help her through it and calm her anxiety.

I'm glad to say, she seems fully recovered.  I'm also glad to report that her original owner has come forward, gotten things settled and was ready for her to come home.  Little Autumn is now Bubbles (bubbies) once more.  Fatcat and little kitty had never seen a dog before, but they kept the peace during the time she was here.  Perhaps, they too, instinctively knew this little lady had some healing to do, and little kitty had to be the most patient of all, giving up her rightful spot as mommy's hip attachment and making room for a little doggy.  I can say that Fatman(Loki) and little kitty(Ciara) seem fairly joyous to have their home back.  Fatman has been jaunting around the apartment playing as freely as before she arrived, and babykitty has reclaimed her position as mommy's hip attachment.

For my part, I will miss her, and the lessons that came with her.  Nothing is disposable, least of all people and pets.

Autumn's (Bubbles') Story

I have been contacted by the 4 year owner of Autumn.

Her name was Bubbles, they were in the park playing when I gather that Bubbles suddenly ran off.  I'm not sure what the circumstance was surrounding her just taking off, but suffice it to say, she did so.  Her owner looked for her for several days, and then finally gave up.  She was apparently perusing Craig's list in the community pet section and came across my article and sent a response to it.

Since then, I've learned a few things about Autumn.  She was a puppy who had a problem with her tooshy.  She couldn't go and so needed what I gather was a costly surgery to correct it so that she could go poo.  The original owners either couldn't afford it, or saw this as a potential life long and costly affair.  They were prepared to destroy this 6 week old pup.  The last owner took her on, saw her through her surgery and knows about her dropping little pooplets.  This is apparently a side effect of having to correct her pooper so that the opening was large enough to pass her waste.

Her owner recently lost her job, and in her words, "doesn't deserve her any more".  I disagree with that.  Everyone falls on hard times as I very well know.  She's currently not sure if she can/will find another job and is facing possibly losing her home.  I sent her what I hope was an encouraging email telling her that we don't blame her for lilpup running off, nor do we think she was a bad pet owner just because she lost her job.  That perhaps this was God's way of telling her it's time to slow down and focus on the most important things in life, which are the ones you love and who love you back.  Perhaps she was getting that message already, and didn't listen so God forced the issue.  Who's to say.

Either way, I've told her that if she wants me to keep Autumn aka Bubbles for the time being until she sorts things out, I will.  I also said that it's apparent she loved this little dog.  She's got some great training already, and you don't devote time and money into something you don't love......well, at least you shouldn't.  I told her that when she gets back on her feet, if she's ready for Autumn to come home, then I'm more than happy to bring her to her.

I certainly hope that she finds another position that allows her to focus on the important things, while also being able to keep her home and pets.

Crazy Autumn

LOL yesterday was a fun day.

I woke up and got Autumn as usual.  She loves attention and gets so happy and excited to be let out of the kennel, so I like to spend time with her first thing in the morning.  Well, when I was brushing my teeth I noticed she had a little pooplet stuck to her tooshie.  So I was just about to grab some TP and get it when she started to put her butt on the floor to scoot it.  I said nooooooo (you know, that slomo movie kind while you're diving for the priceless vase).  Not too loud, but she still thought oh crap, I'm in big trouble, and darted out of sight.

I grabbed some TP and looked around for her, and don't you know, she ran into the kennel and was facing the wall like she was in trouble. >.< LOL.  I brought her out and reassured her you're not in trouble but let's get this off you, and then cleaned her up with some wipes.  Then of course I had to give her tons of affection since she was so wounded.

Later, I took her to pet smart and found her a little seatbelt harness.  I've taken her on a few car rides and keep adjusting it, because her name should possibly be Houdini.  She just wiggles herself out of that and I swear I don't know how since it feels snug enough to me, but I tighten it a bit more here and there and try again.

I also noticed some fleas on her, and not knowing when she's been treated, if ever, I went ahead and got some biospot to try that.  I haven't really seen too many on her since then so that's good.

The vet wasn't in when we were there, I got there just after they'd closed, but we did stop in where they do grooming so I could ask how much things like that would be.  She get's a little nervous around bigger animals, but all in all, I think she had a pretty good time.

I still laugh when I give her treats or food and she carries it around for a while until she decides to eat them.