A Melancholy State: Adventures in Color Therapy

I had a failed video appointment at the VA for my PTSD/anxiety.....we ended up having a phone session instead.

This is a new provider to me, and I have to say I think I will like her. She sounds very much like my primary provider, with her accent, but also with her personality. She's open and honest, and she also listens, which to me is important. This was only our first meeting, but I did like her candor and honesty about this or that approach to medical treatment of PTSD/anxiety. She suggested sexual trauma therapy through the VA, which will take much thought on my part. I don't think I'd do well in a group setting for several reasons. One of which being my anxiety itself, but the other thing that seems to put a block on me deciding is that I'm also extremely empathetic. I understand her reasoning of "avoidance" not being a forward thinking plan, and I agree with her for the most part.

At this point the VA doesn't offer one on one therapy for some things, and for me, living through the traumas of others would entail me absorbing that experience. My empathy for others would have a negative impact on my psyche, and rather than letting go of this or that event, I think I'd be adding to my own trauma. To me this would be a set back rather than an advancement, and one I should discuss with her at our next appointment after much thought and consideration into her suggestion. I wouldn't call what I'm living with avoidance exactly, because at the moment the trauma is primarily being voiced by recurring nightmares, of which there are 3 primary dreams I'm having at the moment. I'm not really sure how I could grasp fully controlling what I dream, but when I do have nightmares, I typically wake, either by myself or by one of my wonderful little therapy girls crying to wake me up.

I will say this though, for as long as I've missed sleeping, I'm at least glad that the treatment I've undergone this far as allowed for sleep, whether it be plagued with ill dreams or no. Trying to sleep, and failing is one of the most exhausting things I've experienced in my life, and though no nightmares might lead to more restful sleep.....sleep is sleep and at least I've achieved that for the moment. To me that is very real progress from where I was to where I am now.

In the meantime, I'm still doing different coping skills I got from CPT therapy, among which is the coloring I've done for a while now. I'm also getting braver at using this or that technique. I will share a picture where I used all the types of coloring mediums I have in the same picture, including trying a little layering with markers......LOL. For me that's pretty adventurous because as previously stated, markers are not my best medium though I do think I'm getting better with them. I love the vivid colors from markers and gel pens, so learning to properly use them would be lovely, but even if I never master them, at least I've been brave enough to try.

I hope you enjoy the pictures I share, and I would absolutely love for others to share their art and stories with me!