I've known faithful people, people that want proof of God's existence, as well as those that just don't believe at all and think those who do are foolish.
Even Einstein, who atheists claim was one also, was known to have said, you can't study science, and all that it encompasses without seeing the order and knowing that there is something out there larger than ourselves that created it. I'm paraphrasing, because I don't know the exact quote, but the point is, he believed in something greater than ourselves and has often been hailed as one of the best and brightest minds on this earth, certainly no fool.
God speaks to us and THROUGH us. He may do so daily, but we are not always attuned to his voice. This may be something as simple as a beautiful flower that strikes us speechless by it's beauty, the cry of a child calling to our hearts, seeing someone's unfailing kindness to others, or something more complex such as sending one of his messengers to us with a message or instruction. Our trials, or hurts may well be the thing that brings another to his side, and helps someone find their faith. While trials are painful, they are what builds us up, tests our faith, and brings us closer to God, because we must lean on Him for His strength when we have spent our own.
This is a testament of one of the trials I've had in my life, and how God has spoken to me throughout this trial. When I was a little girl, I told my mother I'd have hundreds of children. When she told me I would have to be married, I told her no, I could simply buy an orphanage and adopt all the little children. I think I must have been 6 or 7 when the issue of prayer and answers came up. I don't recall if I'd asked, or how this happened to be perfectly honest. But my mother, wise as she was, told me, if you ask God something, He will answer you. Then she went on to explain that the bible sometimes holds these answers. So, me being the curious child I was, went to my room, and said God, will I have children? I then opened my bible, and my eyes fell on Genesis 11:30, where it explained that Sarai, later Sarah, didn't have children because she was barren.
Life moved forward from there, and I eventually got married, I think I was 21 going on 22. I hoped for, and wanted to have a child. I got frustrated at seeing other women, both good and not so good, easily becoming pregnant, and thinking, I'd be a great mom, why not me? I even had a co worker that had had several abortions because she was irresponsible, unmarried, young and not ready for motherhood. She went from man to man, I'm not sure what she was seeking, but she often forgot her birth control, resulting in traumatic results for her. On one such occasion, she opened up to me and told me, she wouldn't be here if not for her own mother's decision to get off the abortion table, and follow through with her own pregnancy. I can not imagine the difficulty knowing you were nearly aborted, and having to decide to have one of your own. While I think there are many other decisions she could have made, the decision was hers, but very upsetting to me none the less. Here I was, married, wanting a child and watching this woman abort a child she didn't ever want.
As you can imagine, this led to some anger on my part. I wasn't angry at her, I was mad as hell at God. It eventually led to me having a screaming match (one sided of course) and uttering something along the lines of what the hell God? Can't I even GET pregnant? My mother had cautioned me to be careful of how and what you asked God because He will surely answer you. I did, in fact, get pregnant after this query. I had nightmares that I was pregnant and that I was fighting for the life of my child. I had pregnancy tests that were negative but I knew I was pregnant. I asked the doctors to please do a pelvic exam to confirm, and once confirmed to help with the proper hormones to assist in the pregnancy as my body was not making them on it's own. Since I was active duty military at the time, I was told, fortunately NOT by one of the doctors I worked with, that if I were a dependant, rather than the military person, they'd have to honor my request for a pelvic exam, but since I was, they didn't feel like it, and refused to do it. Less than a week later, I was bleeding profusely, and felt weak, tired, like passing out etc. I went to one of the doctors I worked with, and he confirmed I was having a miscarriage. I was heart broken. I cried and cried for days.
I had been attending a very small church. So small that there was little special music, and when I'd started going, the preacher did everything. He did the preaching, special music, visitation etc. There were few younger people in the congregation, and I'd been a little hesitant to offer to help with the special music, because I thought, maybe he just LIKES to do it all. I had finally offered, and he accepted, so we changed off every other week, and that way he could still bring his gift too, and some of the weight could be lifted from him to me....if it was in fact a weight. I would ask what his upcoming sermon was, and try to have something prepared that went along with it, to help solidify his message. I was fortunate, that one lady in the church was willing to help with the music for me, as she already did most of the organ and piano pieces for the hymns, and I'd go to practice with her in her home.
The week that my miscarriage occured, it was my turn to bring the special music. I'd chosen My Tribute....Lyrics to follow:
[Verse:]
How can I say thanks
For the things You have done for me?
Things so undeserved
Yet You gave to prove Your love for me;
The voices of a million angels
Could not express my gratitude
All that I am and ever hope to be
I owe it all to Thee
[Chorus 1:]
To God be the glory
To God be the glory
To God be the glory
For the things He has done
[Chorus 2:]
With His blood He has saved me
With His power He has raised me;
To God be the glory
For the things He has done
[Bridge:]
Just let me live my life
Let it pleasing, Lord to Thee
And if I gain any praise
Let it go to Calvary
I didn't want to go back on the arrangement with the minister, and also it was something that occured on Thursday of that week, not giving him much time to prepare, so I steeled myself to go through with singing that Sunday, and bolstered myself as much as I could, trying to make sure I was well enough. Sunday came, I was still reeling from what had happened, and my part in it, but when it was time for the special music, I marched to the front of the church, and took my place, doing my usual silent prayer that God allow Him and his angels to be heard through me, so others could see Him. I sang all the way through the first time without so much as a sob or stutter. Half way through the second time, I began to weep while singing, but my voice stayed true. I watched as nearly every face was covered with tears, and they didn't even know why they were crying. I ended up having to ask Betty Herzog to please stop playing because I had something to say to the congregation near the end of the second run through.
I can't remember exactly what I said, but it was something like, I needed to explain to everyone, exactly why I was weeping, and why they in turn were weeping with me. I told them about my question to God, and how he answered me, "Yes, I am the Lord thy God and I can do all things. I can touch a barren body and make it pregnant, but this is not my plan for you." And so, I became pregnant and had a miscarriage as an answer to my prayer, even through my anger, He answered me. I told them, God is great, he will answer you, but be careful in how and what you ask, because the answer you receive might not be the one you want, or how you may think you will be answered. Sometimes the answer is very hard to take, and sometimes it's no, but hearing Him, and understanding His answer is the difficult part. Accepting that His answer is sometimes no might be hard, but thank Him, because He took the time to answer. We have to open our hearts to hear and understand, even if we don't know the plan for us, but we have to believe that there IS in fact a plan.
That week, we'd had a new face, who came to church with her friend. A teenage girl. After she left, she was in a very serious car accident, which ended up with her in the hospital in critical condition. She very nearly died, but pulled through. I guess she'd asked our minister to visit with her, and ended up choosing to become a christian while she was in the hospital. I knew nothing of this, until a few weeks later, when she and her whole family came to church, and she approached me, to thank me for my bravery to share my story, because my faith and love of God through a traumatic event was what made her realize His greatness, and if I could have unwaivering faith through what had happened to me, she knew He was there, and cared for us, because He answered my prayer even if the answer was to have this experience.
The story goes on, with me still trying to go to fertility clinics a few years later, for a few years, before fully accepting that in MY case, God does not help those who help themselves in ALL cases. His plan for me I don't know, but fertility clinic was useless to me. It took me MANY MANY years to finally come to terms with, not having a baby doesn't make me less of a woman. It doesn't make me less worthy of love from a husband. There are a whole lot of life lessons you have to learn when you're unable to do what seems to come so naturally and easily for so many out there. One of which is, that it's not my place to judge, regardless of how undeserving someone may seem be to have the joy of having a child. Their lessons are different from mine, and it's up to them to learn them. I can't tell them what they are to learn from their experience, because I can't fathom what it is that God is trying to speak in their ears and hearts.
Over 25 years later, I received a message in the moment between sleeping and waking. I'd accepted that I wouldn't have children, and had not hoped for a long while. While I was waking, I heard a voice say to me, "if you want a child, try next month." I woke confused and really baffled. This wasn't something I'd longed for, it wasn't something I'd dreamed of, since it wasn't my path to take. Here, I was told to try and have a child. This was in May. All during the month of June I tried actively to conceive. Yesterday, I began to spot, and today I'm bleeding profusely. I'm not sure if this is a miscarriage, or the beginning of menopause, but I did as I was instructed. It's a week too soon for my lady time, so I'm thinking this may be a miscarriage.
What is the message here? I'm not completely certain, perhaps it is a test of faith, will I follow God's instruction? I've heard His answers in other things not pertaining to this in other issues. I'm at an age where a woman should not be looking at having her first child, had I carried 9 months, I'd be looking at being nearly 70 when my child graduated from high school, which, believe me I'd considered and was not thrilled with. But, the way I was initially told, reminded me of the story of Sarah and Abraham, how they were in their old age, past the time she should be bearing a child, and yet a child was born. When she heard this, she laughed, and God asked, why did you laugh, which she then denied out of fear. I was told to try, I was not told it would be a fruitful endeavor. The purpose of this, is still a mystery to me, but I guess it will be revealed in it's own time. It's a bit hurtful that for a second time in my life, I think I'm undergoing a miscarriage, but I'm sure there is a purpose in even this. Perhaps the message was simply to prepare me for my upcoming menopausal state. Perhaps there is a greater message that will be revealed at a later time. All I can say for certain is, I was given a message, I followed the instructions in that message.
I can only hope, that through me, others may come to be able to hear His voice, and follow His instructions, whereever they may lead you.
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