Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Hearing results

It appears that I must wait and appeal yet again.

I finally got word from the court date in January.  I'm wholly disheartened to see that the judge either took license to change my testimony, or he ignored it or simply got it mixed up with another case.  All I know is that this is a very humbling experience.  I would hope that no one would ever have to go through this process, and I feel for anyone that does let alone a parent trying to go through this on behalf of their children.

I called my lawyers reference the inconsistencies I noticed in the first several pages, along with the fact that it's stated that one or more or all of my disorders can prevent me from being able to work, and then the judge goes on to make an unfavorable decision.  The lawyers said that judges are allowed to change our testimony to justify their decision.......I'm sorry, but since when are judges above laws pertaining to purjury?  If I were to go to court and purjure myself, and I were known to have lied I'd be fined, jailed or whatever they deemed fit.

I can't get far in this massive letter before my PTSD rage and anxiety take control and I have to put it aside.  Any progress I thought I was making as far as my insomnia which has been getting better with the doctor's and phsychologist's help, seems to have been destroyed.  I was making such nice progress and not staying awake for days at a time only to fall asleep when my body finally crashed to stay asleep for 24 hours or close to that.  I would not advise that if you can avoid that at all, since you feel HORRIBLE after so much sleep at once.  You wake feeling groggy, disoriented etc. and you're completely dehydrated.  I was taking hours and hours to fall asleep, but the progress was that I WAS falling asleep, so I might have fallen asleep finally at 6, or 7 or 9 am, or whenever my body finally said FIIIIINE you can sleep now, but I fell asleep.  Now I'm having a major setback in that progress.

I don't want to increase or add medications since I have no more room in my medicine cabinet so I'm hoping that this setback is minor and quickly remedied.

I don't hold any grudge against the judge since I'm sure he has a very difficult job and has to try and do his best to figure out who really needs help and who doesn't.  But I DO hold it against him that he changed and added things to my testimony that I never said, or said differently.  I was so angry seeing these things in there, and then it goes on to say that he calls my credibility into question when of the two of us, I was the one that told the truth.

I love the fact he feels the need to state that subject showed with above average intelligence or however he put it, and states my age, as if age has ANYTHING to do with disability.  I'm sorry but there are children born with them, and there are people of ALL varying ages that end up with them.  I didn't ask for this, and I certainly didn't want all this crap to happen.  My highest dream was NOT to have to go through our country's nightmarish disability process.  Why the hell would I bust my ass working 3 jobs, getting my BS in 2.5 years when most do it in double the time if this were my ultimate goal?  MY goal was to go on for my PH d in Psychology and help others.  I've ALWAYS had an affinity and talent for healing and I view people as a whole.  Every part of them should seek to be happy, healthy and whole.  Obviously, my earning potential would be far greater were I able to overcome all this crap, get back to school and get into my chosen field.

I don't know the machinations of all my sibling's hearts, but I do know at least one has taken the path of agnostic.  I wish I could comfort them and convince them of God's existence, but with all that's going on with me, I'm not sure they'd understand my faith.  All I know is, I'm going through this for a reason, and I apparently must continue to go through this until it's finished.  Perhaps I'm being told to CHANGE to a different path when all of this is finished and advocate for others, I don't know.  All I know right now is life is hard, making ends meet is hard and I'm tired.  I'm so tired I just want to quit but I can't I have to continue fighting.

All I can say to my siblings is God has ALWAYS answered my prayers even when it wasn't what I wanted to hear.  As a child my mother told me pray with an open heart and seek your answers in the Bible.  So being an odd and precocious child I did, I had told my mother since I was 5 I was going to have lots of children, but I wasn't going to get married I'd just buy an orphanage.  So, naturally when my mother told me this, I had to test it.  I prayed and asked God if I would have children, then I picked up my Bible and opened it, when I looked my eyes fell on "and Sarai was barren".  I knew then I'd never have children.

That didn't stop me from trying, when I got married I even went through years of fertility clinics before finally years later being diagnosed in the 97th percentile of PCOD.  Don't get me wrong, I don't always get along happily with God and never question him or what he deems a good path for me.  I've had my moments of anger and screaming matches, during one of them I vehemently said well what the hell......can I even GET pregnant?  Again He answered but I'm sure most people wouldn't like the answer.  I did indeed get pregnant, and my body didn't produce the necessary hormones to support a pregnancy and so, I miscarried.  God's answer was I can do ALL things for I am God, but this is not your path.

Now, I ask God please to help me in this, because I need the help.  I needed the judge to see with open eyes that I was asking for his help to finally get some stability back in my life so I could try to effectively continue to fight against what I'd been fighting against for the past 20 years alone.  I couldn't do it alone any more, but I guess the time isn't right for that help and I must stay humble and hopeful for longer.  Ends don't meet easily, but when I look back at all the time that's gone by and see that ends met, barely and logically they never should have, I know that God still has his hand on me guiding me through this.  I just can't fathom for what purpose I am meant to go through all of this, and I definitely can't fathom WHY SO many medical issues.  Wouldn't one have sufficed just as well as many?  I don't have the answers to all of these things, but I know my life has been changed significantly.

I read in the judge's response to our court date in January, and see moderate moderate moderate, over and over, and I sit and rage, if this is moderate, then what the HELL is your idea of major?  I went from a woman who held 3 jobs, full time school, family, friends and a very full life with sometimes difficulty managing time for everything and everyone because I was busy.  I went from a woman that could attend church, and even sing solo, to one that can't enter a church without weeping profusely, so I just don't go.  This has no affect on my faith, I know God exists, I have heard his answers my whole life, I simply can't go.  I'm a woman with so little in her life right now, even the grocery store is a challenge.  I go, and start to get light headed and feel faint from the anxiety.  This is worse at busy times of day so I simply don't go or try not to go during these times.  I see my mother 3-4 times a month assuming my anxiety, insomnia or some other thing doesn't flare up and take even that from me.  Basically I have little left in my life, but what I do have I hold on to because it's dear to me.  I would call this a major change.  I do try to do things occasionally, like walk around the mall on days when it's not busy because people are at work, the anxiety gets to me, and so does the pain from standing or walking, but I try.  This is rare, but usually I try to go once a month or once every other month if I can bolster myself up for that.

I don't go alone, I take people with me in case I do end up fainting, passing out or end up in a full blown anxiety attack.  It takes a LOT of self preparation to go to places like the mall, grocery etc.  I have to try and keep myself calm, not let the chest pain start indicating that a bigger attack might be on it's way.

I know it would be so easy to assume, or rage or blame God that this keeps going on and on and on, but that's simply not so.  I know everything happens in His time and for His reasons.  I just have yet to find out why I was stopped from my path.  Why my body said NO MORE, stop, sit, stay, watch, listen, hope, hurt.  I know this is a time of learning, but I'm not sure WHAT it is I'm supposed to learn.  I don't know why every medical issue came crashing around me all at once.  I don't know why further school wasn't God's plan, though it was mine.  I guess all of this will be revealed when it's revealed, but for the life of me I can't fathom how long it might be, or why it must take the slow train.

In the meantime I just have to wonder, why God closed the judge's eyes or heart and no help was forthcoming to me yet.  I'm wanting stability to continue to fight all these medical issues, and need the stability to do so effectively.  Whatever the reason is, I hope that all of this helps my siblings keep faith and my one that's declared being agnostic to see, God does do things, he just doesn't do them necessarily how or when YOU want them to happen.