What do you do at 5 a.m. when you can't sleep because you have things on your mind or heart?
I think what I end up doing is obvious, though not always, sometimes I toss and turn, then turn and toss looking for that all too elusive rest. I haven't updated things for a while, not because I haven't had things to say, but because what I did have to say wasn't complete. It may still be incomplete but now I just have to empty my head and hopefully then I don't have to break out the q-tips for a brain poking session........."HUSH UP IN THERE!"
So, what you don't know, I had a hearing in January for all the medical things going on with me, I have yet to hear back about it, but for some reason I think they simply like to keep people waiting. In the meantime, I graduated from my CPT therapy, and I'm toying with a booster session because I've had some minor setbacks as you can see by me posting at the God awful time of morning and have yet to sleep.
So, the doctor being curious about what was going on with my back sets up chiropractic appointments, a PT assessment, appointment with a Neurosurgeon and we've kicked around ideas for different therapies, among which were swim therapy, and Yoga, to see if that would even be feasible or beneficial for me.
The chiropractor was a really great experience, and he's very empathetic and a straightforward person. I only had 6 or 8 sessions with him, and though the back pain was still there, I do think I was able to do a bit more after adjustments. I'm not sure if longer term would have helped further, or if my spine is just a lost cause.
So the setbacks causing lost sleep etc. The court hearing was trying, and of course my brain thinks of all the things I should have said but didn't, or could have said better, or with more description, but all in all, the lawyer and the judge's assistant said they both felt it went well, so for the most part I thought about things, lost a little sleep and let it go. I mean, one thing, and I'm sure you'd find it trivial, but I'm a weirdo so I don't, was that the judge asked me about hobbies, and when I named some he said oh what kind of books do you like to read. Well, I like all kinds of books, and when he asked about authors in case he knew them too, my mind came to a blank. Now, normally, I'm a visual thinker, so what happens for me is, I'd think of a book or books I liked, and the cover comes to mind, complete with artwork, title, author etc. But for me with the PTSD affecting thinking, the covers came to mind, the titles were there, I could remember what the books were about, but NO AUTHORS. I was VERY frustrated. I suppose had I thought of it at the time, I could have explained this to the judge and said this is a good example of ONE of the things that PTSD does to me and my thinking. But all I could think of was why can I not think of authors I love, books I've had to buy numerous times because they're so good that people borrow them and someone borrows from them and so on and so on. Before you know it your book has circumnavigated the world and crossed the equator.
The second setback was during the PT assessment. The guy doing it, I could just slap silly and say HOW DARE YOU MAR MY MEDICAL PRACTICE!!! I can NOT NOT NOT stand people in any area of medicine that do NOT listen. Who go into ANYTHING with a preconceived notion of what they will see/find etc and completely disregard what the patient/customer etc tries to tell you. First of all, that's REALLY poor bedside manner. Second, who the FUCK spent the last 45 yrs of life in this body? I DO believe it was ME! You pompous, assinine, moronic idiot! DO NOT ask me a question and then cut me off when I'm telling you the answer to state what YOU think because of some OTHER patient or patients experienced. THEY DO NOT have the same body as me, they DO NOT have the same spine as me, THEY DO NOT have the same symptoms or trials as me so don't tell ME how the fuck MY body feels or assume YOU KNOW what I am going through.
Every time I think of that experience, my chest hurts (a precursor for anxiety attacks). The dumbass was TOO stupid to even take note that my bp was off the charts for 4 hours during the evaluation and ONLY came down when I saw the clock and knew it was nearly time for me to leave him and his stupid ass in his stupid establishment and go HOME. Then and ONLY then did it come down because he had my anxiety so high, and even now my chest hurts, my head hurts etc. I'd like to find the spikiest heel in all the land and put it right between his smug eyes! And now you know another affect of the PTSD, I do tend to get VERY angry about stupid people doing stupid shit at stupid times to others, which is why I can no longer watch the news. I simply can NOT be rational or impartial towards the dumbasses that land themselves on the news.
Ok, so now for the latest. My last visit was to the hospital on base near me. I saw a neurosurgeon who decided he wanted a full spinal x-ray to look at as well as my discs with the other x-rays and mri's. So, here's how this goes. He was REALLY nice and for a surgeon, he was completely down to earth and honest, which you don't always get. I've worked with a few that had God complexes, and it was just the complete opposite with this one. I was very fortunate. Then again I've also worked with my share that were just amazing, so I guess I've seen both sides. Anyway, he tells me that I've got a few things going on, and that IF we were to do surgery, we'd have to pick one, but he wanted to see the x-ray to see what's going on in a full view. The x-ray staff was nice and efficient so the x-ray got done in short order. They also added my discs to the system so that should we need them, the military hospital and the VA would both have access. I went back to the area after the x-ray to wait. Not too long after, the doctor comes for me and I'll try to say things as he did. He said, I have something called Scheuermann's Disease on top of having two different scoliosis curves. He said I must have German in my ancestry, which I do on both sides.....so probably 70% or so. So I gather this is something primarily seen in German DNA, spines or whatever. He said well, you just got some bad genetics. He then said if we were to do a surgery to correct things, we would have to choose one of the things to correct, and that would likely have a very bad effect on the other things going on in my spine. In other words, correct one you make the other things worse. He also said that one surgery would likely for ME turn into numerous surgeries over sevaral years, and that IF I saw any benefit it would not be for 2 to 3 years, and with my other spinal issues he doubted that there would be any benefit since it would likely make the other issues worse. I told him that I was a little relieved to hear him say that surgery wouldn't be the best answer for me, because back surgery is SCARY, but at the same time, I was also sad, because I want to be as mobile as my mom when I'm her age, and that would take a miracle or one heck of a fix. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy my mom is able to do all that she can do, but at the same time, it's a little depressing that I know she can do more than me and I'm still young. I can only imagine what that means for me in 30 years.
So now, I have 4 siblings, I know my sister has scoliosis, but hers is one long graceful curve, rather than my here, there, and everywhere one, and I don't believe she's got Scheuermann's, her posture is way too good for that. The one I'm MOST worried about is my older brother, we look the most alike of all of us, though you can tell we're related, so he and I share the most genetic markers. I want to ask him if he's had a spinal evaluation, because he doesn't have the issues I do, BUT I also have other things like the PCOD that is gender related, so that may have had an effect on the overall progression of things. If he has any hint of Scheurmann's he might not get to the point I am now if he takes some steps to avoid it. I mean, how do you suggest to a manly man, hey, maybe you should swim or do yoga for future back health......LOL Besides, I think he thinks I'm a bit too much like our one aunt that's a hypochondriac. I think he thinks all of this is in my head, and I can tell you, life would be much easier if it were. I already have a great therapist! Unfortunately, she's seen my medical record so I doubt I could convince her to hypnotize me and make me believe I don't have any medical issues LOL.
You know, I thought elephants and giraffes were God's greatest jokes, but here I come to find out it's me. Honestly, if I'm the only one of us 5 to have so many medical issues, I will be happy. I'd rather see them all be happy, healthy and whole. It's just mind boggling though. I told my mother about some other things going on that I didn't want to be seen for because if the doctor gave me ANOTHER diagnosis, I already had too many, and here, I went to the neurosurgeon thinking I had all the diagnoses I'd get, only to get another one tagged on me.......REALLY.......REEEEEALLY? Kind of funny and ironic that only two days before the appointment I told her I didn't want any more things added on BUT STILL!!! I guess statistically we've been really fortunate so far as a family, so I guess a bunch of health issues isn't the worst thing that could have gone wrong.
I'm also curious where the heck I got these spinal issues! I know my maternal grandmother used to go to a chiropractor, but I never did know why. I'm sure I or someone asked her and she probably just waved it away and changed the subject. Both my maternal and paternal grandmother's lived a good long time, which also scares me because I'm not at all sure what shape I'll be in if I do. I did ask the neurosurgeon what he thought being the expert on spines, about if I may or may not have any benefits from swimming or yoga. He said, well, with your spine, I don't think it could hurt, and if it does help so much the better.......I think that's a nice way of saying we can dream can't we, but hey, it's worth a shot! I think my YMCA has both a pool and yoga, so the only thing I need to do is get over the anxiety and stop in to get signed up so I can try it out.
I just pray and pray that no one else in my family has to go through so much medical poo. It's a little hard and overwhelming to have SO many seemingly unrelated issues, but I can't stop myself from thinking that somehow they're related or affecting one another in ways that we don't yet understand. Honestly, if does make you feel a bit crazy to think ONE person with SO many medical things, it's improbable. Obviously, it's not impossible, but statistically, it's just a one shot in a million kind of thing. At least I can say I'm TRULY unique. Think I'd rather be the other million people though.
